MeL

Renovatio la Muse~

2010-04-25T20:25:00.004+08:00

dear all,
in an attempt to revive (rebirth is a more accurate word, but it's weird) my Muse, i have decided to get a new blog! =)

melvynfoo.wordpress.com

kudos to fairytales!
viva la dreams!

tada~

brillig!

2010-04-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

ahh it's been a while...

i feel productive these few days =) cleared quite a bit of stuff on my todo list happy~ finally got down to doing my army album. completed it just placed the order. today, i also wrote my letter, watched julie & julia and played bmt. 'twas brillig.

i realized i haven't blogged abt e jap trip. hm. there's so much. regretted not doing a travelogue. bleh.

i wanna write.

senbonsakura!

2010-03-26T00:15:00.001+08:00

私は日本え行きます。26/3-8/4.

yosh~

happy happy <3 my todo list is at an all-time low of 1!

but... on 8th apr, when i'm back, it's gonna explode to 14 instantly -.-

EPIC

2010-03-23T14:15:00.005+08:00

after watching dragon last night, i came home and brilliant was sitting at the porch with his usual sad looking face. so i sat down beside him, i stroked him for a while, talked some nonsense to him and just enjoyed sitting outside e house with my dog.

then i asked him: "haiz. why can't you be a dragon?"

and he slumped down in his classic autistic insensitivity, completely ignoring me, hinting at the same time that he's irritated with me touching him. liu says: like master like dog. i'm like: what?

oh well. overgrown fantasies aside~ i'm finally done with my sis macbook. ugh that new white piece of crap couldn't connect to the internet even tho it could connect to the modem O.o so i called apple and with their really-quite-amazing-and-good applecare service, they ran me thru a series of checks that were quite complicated and not things that i could do myself so yea. but their conclusion was that nothing was wrong with the macbook. everything worked ok so they asked me to call singtel to change e modem from WEP encryption to WPA. i'm like O.o cos that means all e other comps in e house must be reconfigured but ugh since my sis needs e connection must go and do =( and that was after 1.5 hrs, not to mention that, while helpful, e guy who spoke to me had a really irritating accent. and i don't have a cordless phone or a speaker so my neck ached ugh.

and so e epic story continues today. i called singtel, and was quite amazed that they picked up only after abt 5 min. what's more amazing, is that they actually didn't piss me off that much! they used some remote viewing thing which made it super convenient. but i had to plug in with wired and no cordless phone so that meant running from my bro's room to outside his room very quickly and very often. and after abt half an hr, they found out the problem.

*drumrolls*

*MORE drumrolls*

I KEYED IN THE WRONG PASSWORD (WEP KEY) FAINTZ X 1000000000 -.-

dragonZ!

2010-03-20T22:54:00.005+08:00

"So for goodness sake, stop saying that "I'm ..." and buck up. Go do something about it." -MeL (21.11.06)

haiz. i'm reduced to quoting myself for advice to myself. how pathetic is that. my own past advice rears its ugly head to bite its hypocritical present self~ *imagines a malificent-style dragon biting its own tail~*

i think e reason why i have not enough personal time at home is cos i do nonsense at home O.o i use fb, chat on msn, shift needlessly and mindlessly between spaces which distracts myself -.-

WHO WANTS TO WATCH HOW TO TAME A DRAGON. totally fulfills childhood fantasies <3 ok la not that i really had a fantasy of wanting to ride a dragon but hm. reading eragon did make me reallyyyyyy want to have a dragon pet~ damn am i revealing totally weird insecurities. haha!

wonder

2010-03-19T00:42:00.005+08:00

O bittersweet wonder, why dost thou plague me so?

there was an article in psychologytoday abt anorexia. it talks abt the addiction of hunger. the intimate relationship of indulgence and abstinence. very insightful and interesting~

i was trying to write an ode. and one nice expression that i stumbled on was 'star of the morning'. but after doing research, i found it a little disturbing that the term 'star of the morning' is used in both revelations (22:16) and isaiah (14:12). it is a title for jesus (in the former) and also the alias of lucifer (the latter). lucifer, or luci ferre, when translated, literally means light bringer. wiki says that most texts use 'day star' in their translation now. quaint~ think to understand scripture in its entirety, must study hebrew, greek and latin. wa.

i wanna learn elvish. and sign language. and jap. haiz. enemy of great is good arh.

viva voce villarum vociferous veggies~

feast

2010-03-17T23:47:00.002+08:00

i had an awesome day today!!! =) happy =)

but first must talk abt my lunch. i told aunty anula i'd be coming home for lunch so she say she'll steam fish =) she cooked a plate of chye sim, a whole steam pomfret and 4 SUPER HUGE MEGA IMBA BUTTER GARLIC RESTAURANT NO BETTER THAN RESTAURANT QUALITY POWERFUL PRAWNS. it was awesome <3 ppl say go out get fat i eat at home get fat~ haha. i finished pretty much everything~ even the entire fish lol. it was yummy =)

then i had piano lesson and i finalllyyyyyyyyy met up with posef. faintZ he is elusive~ we went kino where i splurged 70+ on 2 deaths, sandman companion and little prince <3 oh and sandman: furies. happy happy =) this is totally retail therapy i know~ but it was a 20% sale so ok la justified. and we watched tkmb play. i love watching plays. they always leave me with an aesthetic high of some sort.

frabjous day~

and tmr is~ wth. leave at 2.30 am send bro. mass at 6.30 (no other times to go). then imba 4.5 hr tuition. and there ends e xiong morning. after that a bit better la... but e morning is O.o

scrapbook

2010-03-12T01:02:00.003+08:00

the thing abt a scrapbook is that you can never achieve perfection. there is always something that u missed out - some scrap paper that was just completely apt for that theme that you should have used instead, or some color scheme that would have fit the page so much better. then there's always the line that you accidentally drew wrongly, the word you misspelt, the cut that wasn't straight.

u work based on fuzzy visions and hazy dreams. u envision an end, but the end u reach is always somewhere a little off from where u intended to go. hopefully it doesn't stray too much, but deviation is inevitable. there is just too much room for things to go wrong and perfection is always the ideal, rather than the outcome. and that's truly liberating.

because when u realize that, instead of planning every nitty detail down to the millimeter, u just go ahead and do it. u paste the border, print the title, write the words before u know whether everything is gonna match up nicely in the end. and in the midst of doing it, u take a sticker that catches your eye suddenly, u look thru the pile of postcards and suddenly find a picture that just happens to fit your theme, u stumble on a cool technique that u wanna try.

and in the end, something wholly wonderful emerges. it wasn't where u originally intended to go, but it's a beautiful place nonetheless. it isn't perfect, but whoever said perfection is a criterion for beauty? it's a little raw, it's a little random, even a little chaotic. but aren't we all?

life is like a scrapbook, is it not?

i am proud to announce that our magnum opus has been completed~

mary did you know~

2010-03-08T21:19:00.002+08:00

happy happy < 33 kenneth taught me how to play mary did u know. yayyy =) love this songggg. just felt like declaring it haha.

blood & stone

2010-03-08T08:03:00.008+08:00

ytd made me realize that the dichotomy is still there. these few weeks of spiritual journeying has focused my attention on one track, but i realized that the allure for another has not completely been subsumed.

there's an image of a heart - 2 halves joint together. one half is that of flesh. it is red and raw, it is wounded, it is bleeding. it cries out for security and protection. it is fragile and vulnerable. it is beating. it is human.

the other half is that of granite. it is hard, full of weight and gravity, smooth, pristine. it is strong. it is dark. it is cold.

the mystery is that the two halves are but parts of a whole; they exist as much in unity as in dichotomy. is either half called to be full? i don't really know. while it is cause for tension, it is definitely cause for strength. but perhaps we are not called to be strong...

but do you know how hard it is to choose pain over pride? to choose surrender over stoicism? perhaps you do. perhaps i'm just lagging behind. i have a long way to go i guess. i spent so long hardening. lolz sound like metapod~

i made my choice, a while ago. what struck me ytd was not how hard, but how long my choice was. i thought i was well into e way of conversion. but god rebukes a complacent heart see? ytd i realized i've merely painted the stone side red, to make it seem human. but beneath the red veneer, there is neither life nor blood. it's not easy to melt stone. not easy at all.

i'm being unnecessarily emo and irritatingly cryptic i know i'm srry. most of it is not on purpose it takes too long to be elucidatory, esp on these matters where a less-than-full understanding will cause even more dmg than total ignorance. if this were on someone else's blog i might read it with derision. it's just for e record i guess.

of obelisks, domes, squares and crosses

2010-03-06T17:07:00.003+08:00

lolz it's easy to reduce rome to shapes... but these were the main sights actually - egyptian obelisks, churches (basilicas), piazzas and altars/chapels. all these sights are must-visit-once-in-a-lifetime kinda stuff la. but not exactly stuff that i'll be keen to revisit any time soon. good raw material for inspiration tho~ ok la maybe i'm being a bit dismissive. and the truth is that the grandeur of rome is nothing to be dismissive of. it just gets a LITTLE weary to see the same grandeur again and again O.o but the images last la.

nice to just experience the culture of another country also. see ppl just sitting in the piazzas randomly and drawing or writing or just doing nothing. such a different pace from us here. and oh. we got tricked by a conster! got fake policeman wanted to ask us for our identification. my sis scared him away. luckily she was there O.o if not mum might have been robbed or i kidnapped or smth who knows. both my mum and i were pretty shaken after that.

traveling definitely opens your eyes to the world quickly. you see both sides of the coin. or coins i guess. in many currencies~

Fly~

2010-02-27T22:48:00.001+08:00

Off to romeeeee =) back on 6/3! Tata.

9!

2010-02-22T23:40:00.001+08:00

wa achievement! i finally managed to get my todo list to a single digit: 9!! =)

sobz but still no time faintZ. why am i scrambling for time. WHY. tell me whyyyyyy ain't nothing but a heartache. tell me whyyyy ain't nothing but a mistakeeee. tell me whyyyyyy i realllyyy wanna hear u sayyyy~

yosh.

Tinkle

2010-02-18T09:30:00.004+08:00

We are like tinkling little glass spheres, you know? The kind in the Department of Mysteries. So wonderful but so fragile. And we just roll around one another in a masquerade of smoke and mirrors, swirling and bumping into each other in the pale and clammy darkness. All of us are cracked and marred, but still, we pulsate with an inner glow. It's not in some of us, it's in all of us.

The End

2010-02-14T00:01:00.003+08:00

And so, with our last gathering last night, and with ICPE going home, SOW has come to an end. It was graceful, it was grand, but make no mistake, it was the end.

I had a very random conversation today about SOW ending. And when I was asked, “Do you miss SOW?”, I replied:

“Not really… … I guess I kept the knowledge that SOW wasn’t meant to last at the back of my mind. In that, as much as I tried to enjoy as much of it as I could, I also never really got attached to it much…”

But reflecting again, perhaps I misrepresented myself. How can I not miss SOW?

How can I not miss the liberating feeling of grass under our feet when we play captain’s ball (tavistock grass sucks pls. so many twigs ugh)? How can I not miss Poey's imba massages (haha!)? How can I not miss the little sparkling jewels of sharing just before we sleep? How can I not miss the few steps that I had to walk to simply reach the ado room to find solace and peace? How can I not miss sitting at the stone bench, chatting with friends and enjoying their company, or simply just reveling in solitude, nature and the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit? How can I not miss journeying in faith so closely with people of faith? How can I not miss every opportunity that I had to sincerely praise God with all my being? How can I not miss loving people around me? How can I not miss loving God? How can I not miss letting him love me?

How can I not miss SOW? We all do, I guess, to some extent or another.

We’ll have opportunities to work together and meet up again definitely. And friendships will remain if we but work at it. We are, after all, bound by this awesome shared experience that will never come again. Yes, I say again, this is something that will never come again.

Let us have no delusions about this. SOW is something that we can neither relive nor re-experience. SOW was never meant as an end in itself. SOW was and IS the means for greater things to come and for greater things to be done. We cannot hope to cling on to something that was never meant to last.

And perhaps, in time to come, it would simply seem that all SOW had ever been was a dream – a dream of spring and dawn and rays of sunshine. And this… this is the beauty of it. This, in the grand scheme of things, is sufficient. Because that which is dreamed can never after be undreamed.

We can never again re-create this exact moment, for it is truly unique and special; but what we can do is to carry it in our hearts, in our dreams, and in our memories where we will immortalize these moments of miracle and magic in our life. We can make these 6 weeks a “secret springtime in our hearts” that we can go back to, whenever we meet up, look through our journals or flip through our notes.

But more than that, we can use this experience as a wellspring of faith, hope and love – faith, for the seeds that have been planted in us have bore much fruit; hope, for we have learnt to surrender our will, our anxiety and our fears; and love most of all, for we have received in abundance and it is now our turn to give.

And so I end off with a quote from Dream, “Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.” Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost.

Let us draw our consolation from this then: yes, SOW has ended and yes, things are going to change. But we have lost nothing. Instead, we have gained everything.

“To know God and to make him known.” We got to know him, let us make him known =)

desert

2010-02-13T21:20:00.006+08:00

i haven't written in quite a while. and i feel there's some need for output cos there's been so much input but that moment of revelation just refuses to come. i don't think it helps that i feel tired and rather sleepy.

i don't know why my schedule fills up so fast! ugh. barely out of SOW and my next week is full already (and the following one is filling up super fast!!) and all i want is just to... bleh. watch heroes, jap drama, read my 2 library books, read henri nouwen, read graphic novels, resume hollywoodclicks.com, go ado, get spoonfed abt theology and canonical teachings, play bmt, have nice chats over cocktails & coffees and write.

there's many things i wanna do and focus and pursue but i can't give up other priorities too cos i have commitments and i am accountable - to ppl most of all. and so i rush here and there and in that, i never fully see things to their end. and i've been struggling too much to balance on the tightrope i think. i need to rediscover the secret of riding the waves.

art, i think, in a very raw way, is ultimately cathartic. to say that that is its defn would be presumptuous; but definitely an element. form and substance - beauty is the form; truth is the substance. that is how the journey is made from the head to the heart.

in the sandman, the desert is known as the Soft Places - edge of the Dreaming. and it is at this barrenness, this emptiness, this dryness that the connection is made between that which is Dream and that which is not. and with this, i compose my next post =)

Fleeting

2010-01-27T21:51:00.003+08:00

Oh Peace, thou art a fleeting faerie. Why art thou so fickle, so whimsical and so transient?

Thou cometh like the dawn, rays of sunshine creeping up on the darkness; thou goeth like twilight, blackness descending from oranges and violets.

msn! love-hate double-edged thingie~ must not get tricked by it again zomg.

psybeam!

2010-01-26T23:44:00.004+08:00

hypno uses psybeam.

mel is confused =(

mel uses foresight!
(i'm espeon! so i can use psychic moves too!)

in mel's confusion, he damages himself =(

mel snaps out of confusion.

mel uses PSYCHIC

hypno faints.

mel wins =)

Reflection

2010-01-24T01:12:00.006+08:00

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - George Eliot

I love this quote. I really really do. I use the analogy of a spiral and that is quite appropriate I feel but this is... Verbum Dei~

We had a beautiful homily today on friendship. Fr Martin likened friendship to what he calls the "Second Voice". The melody serves as the love for God. The descant line resounds as the love for people - for friendship. Together, they resonate in harmony.

Friends serve as mirrors of ourselves. In their countenance, we see each other reflected. But more importantly, we see the face of God in our friends. And if we can see that spark of divinity reflected in the people around us, it is solid reaffirmation that we too, have that spark; for to recognize something in another, one needs to possess it first.

I really subscribe to this picturesque view - both christian and non christian friends alike. I went as far as to say that angels exist beside us - in one another.

What Remains

2010-01-22T00:03:00.006+08:00

“Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows.” - John Betjeman. The Age of Reason is upon us!

reading a blogpost (ironic lolz i think he used more 'God' and 'He' than i've ever used in any of my posts haha) made me realize that the role of reason in my life has suddenly diminished. it started fading the moment i let aesthetic pursuit become my vision but now with the onslaught of sow teachings (drillings rather O.o) lolz i think i can say that rationality has taken the plunge. and in that spirit, i'll post this even tho i don't see the logical link in my own argument at all. it just Feels right~

"Things break all the time. 
Day breaks, waves break, voices break. 
Promises break. 
Hearts break."
- From Handle with Care

There are times when I miss certain people. I miss them with the gaping emptiness of the loss of an identity – with aching loneliness. And the most disillusioning thing about this fact is that these people change. It’s someone different all the time. It’s so transient. It’s so futile.

I tell you solemnly, there is nothing that lasts. We live in a world of impermanence. Everything changes, morphs, mutates, and then decays.

They say Dream is Endless. But I tell you - Heroes are fossilized in legends, then revered in myth, memoired in stories, then whispered in fairy-tales, evanescent in memory, and finally, fade into nothing but wispy dreams of greatness that never was.

They say that faith remains. But I tell you – the zealous backslide, dogs turn on their masters’ hand, marriages end in divorce and cardinals de-convert.

They say that hope remains. But I tell you – suns set, idealists become jaded, and cynicism pops the bubbles.

And they say, greatest of all, that love remains. But I tell you – lovers spurn, loved ones disappoint, great passions flare and die.

And so, there is nothing that lasts, except that which we can and we do choose to last. And of all that there is that we are granted a choice, it is these three that are the most worthy of permanence – faith, hope and love.

Faith goes beyond the head and the heart; it is in the sustained action. So even when we don’t feel like it, when we can’t accept it, we can still choose to have faith and continue to do the things we do and ultimately, that is enough to bring our head and heart back.

Hope is ever-present; the night is darkest just before the dawn and dawn lingers on in the fringes of foresight, the way the glimmer of the morning sun can be seen on the horizon, despite the darkness of despair. It’s simply whether we turn to face the morning sun.

And of course, there’s love. Brother Jo taught us there are 3 steps to loving: to know, to love, and then to truly love. And it is when we truly love that we go beyond the elements of desire, attraction and goodwill; it becomes an act of will. Love becomes a matter of choice.

Faith, hope and love - they endure eternal, not because they do last, but because it is within our ability to make them last. It is precisely because of their potential to last, that they do indeed last.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." -1 Cor 13:13

collisions

2010-01-18T00:34:00.006+08:00

now that i'm back to living 1 week at a time, i feel i have an obligation to post everytime i return.

"That was 2 weeks only. I need 2 years."

haiz. i know, i know. i know the right answers. but like e wise ones say, "the longest journey you can make in your life is from your head to your heart."

e week was good la to be honest. can't languish in this state of angst when there was so much to be grateful for: intense and powerful moments of sharing and connection. they're like nuclear fusions. memories and emotions rushing towards each other with so much force and momentum that when they collide, they fuse together so powerfully that a whole new state is formed. and in that process, energy is given out. immense amounts of pure raw energy - heat that warms, light that shines, radiation that transforms.

i have a lot more to write ugh. my cor 13:13 one, divine command theory one, raspy voices in morning DO, v for vendetta man/idea one. and i have many things to do. many thots to record. many plans to organize. many errands to run.

subordinate and offer. that's e grand plan. and sleep =)

courage pls

2010-01-10T17:38:00.003+08:00

COURAGE!

so much that i have failed to act upon. there is, of course, gratitude to that which i have dared to do but still...

these are exciting times that we live in.

pride's folly

2010-01-09T18:53:00.019+08:00

i never thought of myself as a proud person. as e academically most accomplished (before tertiary ed at least. i suspect my bro has a lot more imba mugging prowess than me lolz) in e family, i knew that arrogance was the most pertinent pitfall.

so i sought humility. and i attained it. quite a long while ago i believe. i swung all the way to the extreme end of it - into insecurity, hesitation and indecision. i distinctly rmb anthony saying that my gift was that of humility, despite the many other blessing that i've been showered with. how disappointed he'd be to know how far i've strayed.

then i started bucking up. i needed e confidence see? i needed to get over my insecurity and my fears and just live properly. so i bought the whole lot - hook, line and sinker. i made myself stronger so that i could rely on myself. i desperately searched for morsels of achievement that i could tie my identity to. i longed for e deep recognition that i could find my security. i ached for e moments of need that i could attribute a sense of belonging to.

in that process, i coldly beat back all my weaknesses, pruning my strength of character like one would prune a grapevine - meticulously and efficiently. i resolved to grasp the reigns of my life. i made circumstance my steed. i told myself, in e words of Invictus, that my soul would be unconquerable, my would be head unbowed, i would be unafraid and above all, i would be master of my fate,/ captain of my soul. and slowly, inevitably, unwittingly, i carved my identity out of pride.

perhaps it's unfair to say that it was unwitting. i must have realized some time or another deep down some where that i was being proud. but pride just had so much allure... the seduction of power. perhaps it was more of a choice not to see the iniquity.

cos pride is like a thick armor. i blogged abt it before - i likened it to a shield that deflects insecurity, criticism and spite. and truly it is. it is steel mail. and the blow of a warrior clad in armor is bone-crushing. cos pride grants not only protection, but power too. there is so much comfort that u can draw from saying to yourself, "i am who i am. and my accomplishments have not been insubstantial. there is no reason for fragility." it is a source of strength.

but armor is cumbersome. it is heavy. it is ultimately, a burden to don. and it may shield u from blows and hurt, but it shields u too from the hugs and the kisses, the rays of sunshine, the feel of wet grass under the feet. it is cold and unfeeling - u feel nothing except for itself. it is uncompromising - it allows nothing through, be it loathe or love. it is crippling - once u fall, u never get up.

how much better it is to be a dancing faerie, merry and joyful, confident and exuberant. and the hurts will fly past her as she twirls in her lightness of being. this is humility - the humility of faith. it is the tenacity to stand up after disappointment, sorrow and frustration. it is the grace to accept that which we don't understand. it is the freedom to live life.

this then, is the beautiful irony: that as we surrender the reigns of our life, we become more free than ever before - free to feel, free to be hurt, free to heal, free to reconcile, free to wonder and most of all, free to be loved and love in return.

Brave New World

2010-01-02T16:48:00.006+08:00

And so it came to pass that the odyssey through the realm of the Dream King reached an end, for better or for worse. But as one road ends, thus begins another in this Never-Ending Tale. So armed anew with inspiration, one forges ahead - to brave the wonders of a Brave New World~

new year's eve

2009-12-31T13:59:00.004+08:00

and so '09 has come to an end. it was a good year i think. learnt, grew, fell, stood up, experienced and lived. yea 'twas good. lolz and cos i'm lazy to do a proper recount and reflection, i'll do the copy and paste excerpts thing again. lolz bp's idea don't mind me koping it arh! again.

Jan:
it's 2009!!!! i'm like. 20 this year. omg. no more teen. transform from boyboy mel to manly mel!
laughZ. seriously.

Feb:
lucifer <3 omg immensely delightful and intriguing. i never thot i'd be able to fall in love with comics. but here we are. storyline, creativity, aesthetic appeal... all woven into this amazing series. i have the next half it!!!! ahahah. next in line is sandman. dono if i should buy one or the other, or both. book collection <3

"Faith is a commitment to a way of living beyond good and secure feelings... Ultimately, faith is not in the head or the heart but in the action of a sustained commitment. Faith is fidelity, nothing more but nothing less."

Mar:
anyway. capture my memories. cos i think in time, they'll fade... the nostalgic ache, the bittersweet longings, the terrible conflict between hope and knowledge. i think it's wrong to say that time heals. it's more like... time numbs. yea fazli was right in using that word. time numbs the wound. the scars always remain, but at least the pain is gone.

Apr:
i feel kinda displaced. like my world around me has shrunk to this bubble of army reality. occasionally get glimpses of e outside world la but still damn disconnected. think maybe it's the confinement? but not as if i never book out also last weekend met up with the 0109 ppl ma. then also ben not around, nv go church for quite a while nv get to see the log ppl.

but yes. when i ord, i'll restart my dream diary =) shudn't have stopped in jc ugh.
i just restarted!! =)

May:
anywayyy dear god, what kind of clarion call are u sending me in that book. i really wonder sometimes if these are callings. sometimes, u think that what u do is upright and fulfilling and meaningful. but then someone comes along again and shows u how far the road ahead is.

is water really that circumstantial? so disillusioningly ironic. that we use water as the symbol of a relationship.

Jun:
"Tell the recruits its obvious we won the 4th time in a row although there is no competition. But TO and the rest of the OC have eyes to see. The efforts put in definitely is worth the praises. Thanks guys. Good job. Well done. I am proud of u guys." -W OC

another batch has come and gone... and 0209 is over.

Jul:
and somehow we always seem to forget. people matter. every single one. every individual - conscious, thoughtful, feeling and human. not just people within our lives but people without too.

i have such wonderful and beautiful visions. they're like iridescent rainbow-colored snowflakes, floating amidst december hail, unique and intricate.

Aug:
I cried yesterday. Wept. Sobbed.

Sep:
i went out with my 0309 batch today.

but that's all over now... we've a few months left to ord and the impt thing is this short period of time left. i can finally devote it to these special grp of ppl. treasure them, appreciate them and end this thing off gracefully. as with all partings, we can only hope that it won't be our last goodbye but the fact of the matter is that things can never be the same. so! carpe diem! live without regrets! yesterday has gone and tomorrow has yet to come but today is a gift; that's why it is called the present!

Oct:
ahh... the time when there was a need for privacy has passed. but still... i'm rather reluctant to open the floodgates of judgment so let me thin this veil of privacy in stages eh?

anyway... pretty intense few days. had LoG retreat during e weekend, then went to johor to gokart O.o lolz with army friends.

Nov:
finallyyyyyyy. that day has arrived.

Dec:
i officially pronounce that i have completed my sandman collection and will thus embark on the odyssey of his pages <3 ahhh such delight! such certainty of delectable satiation. ok la maybe overdramatizing -.- but!! sureeee enjoy.

We chatted about Authenticity today, the two of us.

of course the year was more than this - coda, birthdays, retreat, camp... but this is a large enough slice on its own already i'd think.

Enemy of Great

2009-12-26T11:31:00.002+08:00

omg sweeeeeet <3

Sometimes I feel that I’m simply intruding. A third party in a sociality that includes no aspect of myself; that the purity and beauty of the thing is stained and polluted by mere presence. The thing about beauty and the wonder that it inspires is that it tempts us to endeavor to be a part of it. A desire that is fueled by an inability to be satisfied with what we already have.

But Perfection is perfection. Perfection does not change. There is no two ways about it. There can be nothing more. Anything added or taken away will only serve to lessen that which is Perfect - which is why we call it Perfection. It is the pinnacle of possibility; that which thrives on all that is mediocre and average.

My bro (albeit, quoted from elsewhere) says, “The Enemy of Great is good.” Indeed.

But of course, in consolation, Perfection is simply an ideal, is it not? Still, in no way does this detract from the allure of the paths of excellence and achievement.

cruise

2009-12-25T18:18:00.003+08:00

"Aiyah, I just think and believe that different people value things differently with different priorities with regards to different things. Our lives are all different, with different people, different experiences, which inevitably result in different course of actions in different circumstances. To put it crudely, you’re just another passer-by in the life of others, and it is only your actions that make a difference, not your presence..." - my old recruit

found this while putting my xmas cards away into my chocolate box. it's a nice quote =) he talks abt his motivations to be nice. that actions are the only concrete ways of changing anything.

what matters really? everything shifts and heaves and moves. the constants? the things that last? are there any?

cruising, adrift on the waters...

Celebrate.

2009-12-24T17:10:00.001+08:00

It's Christmas =)

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Tralalala la lala la la~

Ouroboros

2009-12-14T02:06:00.011+08:00

We chatted about Authenticity today, the two of us. Of course it wasn’t the only topic we talked about; our conversations Fly from Depth to Delusion to Delirium in in the feverished way spasms occur. Our trains of thought branch out like demented mind-maps. But I am practicing what I preach no?

And think you that I know not of Irony; I wield it as Achilles would a double-edged sword. Think you that I know not of Hypocrisy, she whom is Mother of my inhibitions? But most of all, dare you to think I know not of Authenticity, the truth which is no truth? Irony may be my weapon, Hypocrisy my mother, but Authenticity... Authenticity is my soulmate, star-crossed and ill-destined. So judge me not with your narrow minds and naive thoughts; my own cracked mirror is all the criticism I need.

as much as i hate doing this cos i feel it destroy a certain feel to the post, i must qualify. it's not personal. it's more aesthetic than anything else. and i really do welcome criticism, contrary to what i just wrote... if it's put in a nice way haha. then again, as in all creations, no matter how fantastic or imaginative, there is a morsel of truth, a grain of ourselves that we put into it. that's the hard part: to distinguish between depth, delusion and delirium. it's difficult even for myself sometimes O.o and rmb - "All art is quite useless." =)

Or perhaps... Authenticity encompasses all of these - Depth, Delusion and Delirium - and more~

shelter

2009-12-13T00:18:00.004+08:00

it's immensely comforting to know that u have a sanctuary to go to anytime. the frustrating moments of waiting that turn magically into moments of respite and retreat. fantasy's power over me~ its alluring, captivating yet inspiring and comforting embrace. this then, is my comfort. this then, is my shelter.

for the longest time, i'll never forget what the Belgariad and the Mallorean did for me that no amt of education or gep-enrichment-programs could have ever hoped to achieve. the creativity it inspired, the hours of sweet awesome solace that it sparked.

those were the Bestseller days. i'd spend hours in the bestsellers bookshop just reading. rushing to macs to go toilet then coming back again to finish a book. my mum would leave me there and do her ntuc shopping and i'd be just happy. i miss the uncle i wonder what happened to him.

flail.

2009-12-11T00:16:00.004+08:00

there are some days where i am filled with awe and wonder and the smallest of things, grateful to the most mundane events and appreciative of the most mediocre of beauties. then there are those days when i am just so dreary and jaded and cynical and unfulfilled.

today was one of those days that lay closer to the latter end of the extreme.

how capricious are we. how whimsical.

oh how we rant and rave. how we flail so. hapless creatures that we are.

vacillating, oscillating...

autism

2009-12-09T23:08:00.003+08:00

Autism: a mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by great difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts.

i watched rain man today. awesome awesome show. dustin hoffman and tom cruise. got 8.0 on imdb. not a kind of show that my bro will like tho i think. jie won't too prob. mum might haha. dustin hoffman plays as tom cruise's autistic brother, and it's about how tom cruise comes to terms with his newfound brother, who inherited ALL of the recently deceased father's $3mil.

i read another book abt an autistic kid: the mystery of the dog in night time. it was written in the pov of that kid so it's quite an insightful and original outlook.

there's smth just so altruistic and so selfless abt the love in these 2 scenarios. cos it's completely thankless. the autistic person cannot feel it, cannot understand it, cannot appreciate it. and he definitely can't reciprocate it. and yet that love exists. deep and profound, mysterious and wonderful.

the iconic scenes are when the father hugs the kid and he starts to scream; tom cruise hugs dustin hoffman and he starts to hit his own head. they apologize immediately after of course. they apologize profusely and fervently for having forgotten that their autistic loved ones hate to be touched; for being unable to resist expressing their love; for loving them so much but being unable, in any way possible, to let them realize that. they apologize for loving.

what pain. to love someone so deeply and not be loved in return. but more than that, to have that person oblivious and incapable of any knowledge and understanding of that love.

i wonder then which brother is more fortunate. i wonder if we had a choice, whether we would choose to be the father or the kid.

Sandman

2009-12-04T00:38:00.002+08:00

Awake. Arise.

Open the doors of inspiration.
Unveil the mystery of dreams.
Unleash the power of stories.
Illuminate the depths of fantasy.
Reveal the truth of magic.

Begin, Sandman. Tell your tale. Blow your dust and let us Dream.

i officially pronounce that i have completed my sandman collection and will thus embark on the odyssey of his pages <3 ahhh such delight! such certainty of delectable satiation. ok la maybe overdramatizing -.- but!! sureeee enjoy.

once again, thx ivan =)

KINO HAS XMAS SALE AGAIN!!! omg temptationZ.

that warm feeling

2009-11-29T01:12:00.004+08:00

some people are such angels. there is a great warmth for these people. a great rejoicing. a great inner celebration.
what admiration. what respect. what awe. what wonder. what beauty.

Is it friendship?
Is it brotherhood?
Is it camaraderie?
Is it family?
Is it love?

choice

2009-11-28T02:39:00.008+08:00

"It's been a while but it's altogether familiar and bittersweet. While I know that from experience, this is only transient (to a large extent at least), I can't help but wonder... why am I being ravaged with such sweet desires, dreams and fantasies if I'm not meant to visualize them...Why then, do I have such visions if I'm not meant to realize them?" -excerpt from prayer journal.

"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!" -John Milton in 'Devil's Advocate'

in reply, jess, i'd say that i know. and yet...

"Secularity draws me to greater depths than even most agnostics dare to plunge, Lord. Am I being called to give up such opportunity? Or is my paradigm of a crossroad a completely erroneous one?" -excerpt from prayer journal

the song that plays as i write this is 'o come o come emmanuel' by enya. an immensely serene and tranquil piece that just... illuminates.

maybe it's like in the books of magic. you are offered the choice between two paths. so you decide to learn more about the path before making that decision. but unbeknownst to you, that in itself is the choice already. to know more, to learn more. in that, you already begin to walk the path. in that, you already make your choice.

2009-11-26T00:53:00.001+08:00

what i love abt band pracs is that they are such a wonderful sanctuary for the socially inept.

twins intrigue me to no end.

another camp

2009-11-24T08:35:00.004+08:00

what amazes me is how fast i reverted back to normal. sure there were many things that touched me in camp; events that gave me that 'spiritual high'; the wonder that we see as the workings of the holy spirit - poey's video, alfred's sharing, pray with, kenneth's piano during mass, von's sharing, cheryl & log team & catechists...

but just reaching home, taking a bath, switching on the comp... and just like that, the past few days sweeps to the back of the mind and compartmentalizes itself in the "holey-baloney-chunk-of-experiences-that-i-can-use-for-sharings-in-camps" part of my mind. woot... how quickly the die rolls.

in e midst of camp, i had a sudden burst of gratitude to the people in my life i can be comfortable around. that lack of stifling self-consciousness. the liberating freedom of being able to express without restraint. for all these people, i am immensely thankful. i like to think of fulfilling relationships like a double helix. cos we spiral around each other, bantering, exchanging views, acutely aware of our own individuality and yet keeping in mind our connection with each other. and all the time, we ascend. as we spiral, we arise together, nurturing one another and helping one another to grow, to reach greater heights.

tired, but happy

2009-11-16T22:16:00.004+08:00

today's schedule:

wake up at 9+
use comp, eat breakfast...
10.30: leave house for bishan to return library bks
11.30 - 1.50: jap lesson
2-5.30: scrapbook workshop
6.30-7.30: piano lesson
7.30-8: dinner
8-9.30: music prac for sec 2 church camp
9.30 - sleep: bathe, blog, do jap homework. stuff~

sooooo busy omg. rush from here to there. ate lunch while walking from shaw to wheelock for SDU. so i'm quite tired. but there's also this sense of fulfillment and joy. cos i'm doing the things i want to do =)

and this is a glimpse of what life should be like isn't it? to find out what we want to do and pour our heart and soul into it. being tired is inevitable; we use energy in pursuing our dreams. but instead of being drained, we return revitalized, refreshed and recharged for the next round. to wake up each day and feel excited about our day, even though it's packed and rushed and completely full.

i know that this is transient. perhaps i'll even burn out by the 2nd or 3rd week (hopefully not). but this appetizer refuels all the desires for the banquet that life has to offer. to wander after fleeting visions of beauty. to chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

except reality nails us right down, like crucifixion. 3 long pinning nails - expectations, necessities and duties. they nail us to a prosaic and plebeian cross of frustration, disillusionment and insipidity.

and so we become martyrs for what? for life. and her little ironies.

tired, but happy, eh jas? tired... but happy. =)

p.s. we have to laugh off our own cynicism. it's e only way we get past it. it's e only way we allow hope to remain as that candle in the wind, shining like a thousand splendid suns. cos brightness is relative see? it's not dependent on the power or intensity of the light, but the darkness of the gloom that surrounds it. the darker the night is, the more the light will illuminate. that's the quaint way in which hope works - the glimmer of hope is starkest when the pitch black of despair envelops us.

finally~

2009-11-11T00:46:00.002+08:00

finallyyyyyyy. that day has arrived.

you've got... that lovingggg feelinggggg.

and the cycle begins anew~ no la not cycle la. this is a whole new world.

sobz

2009-11-09T12:25:00.002+08:00

wa faintZ I FAILLED BTT omg. damn lousy ugh. some more i wear ri t shirt in omggg so embarrassing. the FAILED word on the screen so freakg big when it popped out i was like frantically trying to tap it away but ugh it refused =(

sobz

growing up

2009-11-08T19:47:00.001+08:00

we change so much. i always get this feeling whenever i read my old entries but it never fails to amaze me again.

today, i read up my 2006 diary to see if i could find anything useful on how to relate to sec 2s since the sec 2 camp is coming up. 2006 was e year i took sec 2s also as a catechist. as usual, it's startling to read old entries. the immaturity and ignorance all floods back and it's very humbling cos it calls into question everything that i like about myself at this point. it makes me wonder: in a year or two's time, will i look back at all these and find this all very childish?

like maybe back then it was the intellectual phase. now it's the aesthetic phase or smth~ maybe next time i'll look back at these and just cringe at what a dilettante i'm being.

naive vanity, shallow narcissism, ignorant pride, misplaced ego. and the pendulum oscillates between insecurity and arrogance. ride the waves i say. but must have small amplitude~ lolz prosaic physics impurities contaminating this shallow pristine lake of literary banalities~

-.- stop it. very spastic

Through the looking glass

2009-11-07T10:10:00.001+08:00

O come all ye faithful;
Come with an open heart.
Peer through the looking glass;
It is the window of the soul.

Look into the magic mirror;
It reflects what you truly desire.
Stare at the Faustian portrait;
It reveals to each man his own sin.

Read yourself the fairy-tale;
It is a guide to Life.
For words will enunciate the truth;
You who walked in darkness will see the light.

Insanity is like gravity;
You simply have to let go.
So hold on to your own name;
You are the captain of your soul.

Now decide on the blue or red pill;
The blue will take you home,
The red will take you down the rabbit hole.

Stranger

2009-11-02T23:11:00.004+08:00

I met an old acquaintance on the MRT today. We both live in Serangoon and he was standing right next to me so we stood within arms’ reach from the train ride all e way back to Serangoon. People came and people left. We shifted around a little.

I’m not sure if I saw him first or he saw me first. But there was definitely one moment in which he turned around and we looked at each other. I’m not sure if he recognized me but most probably he did. It’s quite rare to forget a face; we were classmates for a short while. Then again, I was very quiet back then. I usually keep a low profile at the start. And maybe I look quite different now.

I noticed him for quite some time already. But when I first noticed him he wasn't looking at me so I didn't get caught in the awkward situation of knowing he was someone I recognized, yet having to search my memory to put a name to the face.

He was wearing a long sleeved shirt, pants and a nice pair of black pointed leather shoes. He looked quite formal. I wondered if he was in medicine as his hair was quite thick and long already. But I vaguely remember him still being in army. So I guessed at that time maybe he went for a job interview since ORD is coming. Oh well.

We reached Serangoon and we both got out of the train. He walked on ahead and at the escalator a number of people separated us. Gracious Singaporeans kept to the left though so there was a clear lane at the right for those who were in a hurry or desired to walk. And so I walked.

I walked up to him. Then I walked right past him. I might have brushed past his shirt. I might not. We didn’t say a single word to each other.

Art?

2009-11-01T11:56:00.002+08:00

Creator and Creation;
Oh which art thou, thou which is art?

things

2009-10-29T21:03:00.004+08:00

there are those things that we try so hard at and really want to be good at, but somehow, things don't seem to work out. then there are those things that we hardly seem to need to put in effort, and yet the pieces all fall nicely into place. we simply have to stop taking them for granted and treasure them.

should we then give up the things we wish to pursue for the things that we already have?

it's the process of trying itself sometimes that hinders efforts. things need to be natural and spontaneous sometimes. ride the waves. not balance the tightrope.

ugh degen into aphorisms again~

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? think i'd still rather a falcon in the air than a mynah in the hand.

EXTREME. empty truisms.

sunway, wisdom & contempt. i know. e title sucks -.-

2009-10-19T22:22:00.003+08:00

ok must log: went to sunway lagoon with 9 other whiskey guys. zwani and tm drove up. and we got caught for speeding O.o tm managed to bribe them with 100. we couldn't and our fine was 300. we went next day to the police station and they had a 50% discount~ laughZ. wonderful trip. cements our goodbyes tho...

i plucked my left side of my wisdom teeth today. overall an extremely scary process, but painless, except for the injection. quite amazed at the lack of pain. could feel the pressure waaaa damn scary when the dentist press damn hard and there's a pop and i was like *is it over? i hope it is!* the bottom tooth had to be sawed out tho. scary~

there was a mother and a daughter at the counter of the pharmacist. the daughter was around 30+ or 40 and i guess the mother was in her 60s? their conversation was pretty loud and drew quite a bit of attention. it ran smth like this:

daughter: IT'S IN YOUR POCKET! YOU ARE JUST TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD RIGHT!
daughter: WHERE'S YOUR MONEY? I GAVE YOU $200 RIGHT.
mother: noo... i only have $6
*speaks in dialect*
daughter: *shouts again*

it was a really sad scene... smth very very wrong must have happened along the way for filial piety to have degraded into contempt. contempt - that most deadly and venomous of emotions. anger, frustration, bitterness... all these are understandable in a parent-child relationship. but contempt?

so saaaad, so saaaad. it's a sad sad situaaaationnnn. and it's getting more and more absurd~

"All art is quite useless"

2009-10-12T01:23:00.006+08:00

We write to forums, seek redress in newspapers, criticize, complain, nag; in essence, we bitch. As an educated population, we draft long and convoluted letters in an attempt to make a difference. But all we create is an indelible ripple – transient and traceless.

The words that we so glorify as the “means to meaning” and the “enunciation of truth” have become so commonplace that they have lost their luster and their shine. Ironically, the power of words has been dulled by the sheer amount of it, such that the insight and the foresight they once used to hold within them have become drowned in the banality of the very medium used to convey them. The newspaper forums have become a sparring field for gladiators who have not yet fallen prey to cynicism; the rest of us simply watch on with detached interest, cheering for the side we support and placing our bets, but never really entering the fight ourselves, being the cold and timid souls that we are, willing to risk neither victory nor defeat. Then of course, there are those apathetic hypocrites, content to merely wallow in the intellectual pride of hollow cynicism that words amount to nothing.

Which is why I write this for myself, and not for any of you. Vanity is the only worthy reason left for literature. Art is a selfish venture. It is individualistic and personal. If there was any form of communication or altruism in it, then it was purely accidental. The greatest pieces of art only ever stemmed from expression of self for one’s own understanding and the creation of beauty for one’s own appreciation. Critics will churn out delusions of interpretations, philosophers will debate endlessly over the definition of beauty and art, aesthetes will nod in appreciation of non-existent intentions. In the end, we are the only ones that truly appreciate the art we ourselves create; no other can comprehend our works in all its entirety – psychologically or spiritually.

Hence, I conclude with Oscar Wilde’s words – “All art is quite useless.”

lolz i can't remember exactly my inspiration for this cynicism. but it was while reading some newspaper forums (O.o yes one of the few times i read). tot it was nice and in the interests of being controversial, here we are =) but perhaps a part of me does actually subscribe to this. i don't know. i've been feeling a bit wary of introspection lately. no la. i'm a fan of art <3 as oscar wilde was a poet. laughZ dirty hypocrites all of us.

stupid

2009-10-10T21:13:00.002+08:00

this is stupid. i can't view my own blog. for some reason safari doesn't load the page, and opera can't get into it most of the times. i can't reply my tags cos there's some error when i do manage on the rare occasion to view my blog. zz. but yes i saw everything so =) hello everyone! ugh it's the template script la. so screwed up. but i'm so lazy to find another blogskin script... cos this one is just so... correct. but ugh getting on my nerves.

best dinner

2009-10-10T08:15:00.004+08:00

"WALK LA! you take the car 5 mins only where got time to talk to your son?"

that was surprisingly... touching.

lolz posef says i'm too sentimental. "bordering on the absurd", to use his words. and perhaps, especially for a guy, i verge closer to the extreme end of the spectrum i guess. but i made my choice quite a long while back - better the emotional careens than the calm disinterest, better the exhausting passions than the intellectual apathy, better the sentimental hippie than the lackadaisical philistine.

i said it before and i'll say it again, never should the capacity to feel be any indication of weakness.

of course, there is balance - that altogether frustrating elusive bitch that we all hope to marry except for those bohemians who commit themselves to extremity. what plush! what freedom! what courage! what exhilaration! what power!

bleh. best dinner ever ytd. 2 spoons of nutella, 1 slice of bread with nutella, shared $8 worth of nuggets and fries. woke up with a sore throat today -.-

advent

2009-10-06T10:40:00.002+08:00

EHH I AM VERY IRRITATED FACEBOOK REFUSES TO ALLOW ME TO UPLOAD MY PICS UGH!

anyway... pretty intense few days. had LoG retreat during e weekend, then went to johor to gokart O.o lolz with army friends. i had such a spectacular crash O.o

fun arhh. thrills of the ride.

all these - they herald the change to come: ORD <3

dozo

2009-10-05T09:39:00.002+08:00

ahh... the time when there was a need for privacy has passed. but still... i'm rather reluctant to open the floodgates of judgment so let me thin this veil of privacy in stages eh?

"The extent of how much you're able to love someone depends on how much they're willing to open to you."

let's take that step forward

*and max pounces on me, interrupting my dramatic train of tought O.o*

duality

2009-10-01T16:26:00.025+08:00

i guess one way of becoming schizophrenic is to draw a clear line to set yourself apart from the things in yourself that you detest. it's like dr jekyll and mr hyde. you draw the line so clearly to try to separate what you hate in yourself that those things become another entity in itself. maybe that's why psychopathy and schizophrenia are so closely linked.

i watched mr brooks the other day... a show abt a serial killer who has an alter ego who is addicted to killing. in the show tho, mr brooks comes out with a scheme, ostensibly, to end his life as a serial killer without hurting his family. the plan involves leading his wannabe apprentice down a course of action that will ultimately lead to his apprentice killing him in his own dug-out grave, so that mr brooks just 'disappears' without trace. of course, he refuses to reveal his plan to his alter ego for fear that his alter ego will stop him. at the last minute tho, mr brooks turns the tables on his apprentice, claiming that he wanted to see his granddaughter (unborn) and kills his apprentice, cutting his throat with the shovel. we later realize that mr brooks tampered with his apprentice's weapon earlier 'just in case' he changed his mind abt dying. which he did of course. his alter ego, who knows nothing of this scheme says in the background, "so this was your plan all along".

a host of qns thus arise: which is the more evil one, the more manipulating one - mr brooks or his alter ego? what happens when the superego actually becomes more evil than the alter ego? is the alter ego thus subsumed? what happens, as in the show, when the superego works hand in hand with the alter ego? do they become greater than the sum of the 2 parts?

hmm freud theory is interesting. never knew it was so... broad.

present

2009-09-21T12:33:00.006+08:00

and so finally... we don't have recruits anymore. at least none that i have to commit to. lolz my demands for standard were always tempered by the care for them but now that i have no sense of ownership for the next batch coming in, i wonder what they are gonna think of me lolz. but that's not the point.

when we had recruits, there's always a choice between spending time with fellow friends and interacting with recruits. i guess i forwent the former in favor of the latter. saccing the nights out, the talk-cock sessions, the games... it'd hurt sometimes. but then i'll remind myself of my ideals and it'll numb the pain a little. but still... seeing each other everyday, sleeping so near each other and working together so closely hand in hand for so many months are immense foundations for mutual respect, understanding, empathy - in short, great friendships. and while i was out there pursuing my ideals, i was always aware of the things that i were giving up on in choosing duty over relationship. yea there's the advice of relationships being the only things that matter and all yada yada... but what happens when your duty directly involves the lives of others? where then, do your priorities lie?

but that's all over now... we've a few months left to ord and the impt thing is this short period of time left. i can finally devote it to these special grp of ppl. treasure them, appreciate them and end this thing off gracefully. as with all partings, we can only hope that it won't be our last goodbye but the fact of the matter is that things can never be the same. so! carpe diem! live without regrets! yesterday has gone and tomorrow has yet to come but today is a gift; that's why it is called the present!

totally~ spam cliches. forgot wat posef calls it. culturalized? popularized?

=)

reflections on the great divorce

2009-09-13T00:29:00.001+08:00

during the apologetics session a few mths back, they clarified abt heaven and hell. and purgatory. heaven and hell are final destinations. once in, u can't get out. purgatory is a place of penitence and by its very nature, temporary. so i asked - why would our compassionate and loving God allow any soul to enter a place of eternal despair and suffering (i.e. hell, in case u were wondering)?

someone told me to read CS Lewis' The Great Divorce... and i did. a mth or two ago. didn't think much abt it then but it's all starting to come back to me now. ok la the trigger was Paradise Lost. it's sooo hard to read omg epic poetry is O.o i like read halfway and i realize my mind has wondered off and i didn't grasp the few lines i was reading at all and i have to reread it again. anyway in the great divorce, they suggested the idea that it is really our own choice. the sins we commit in life makes the journey to heaven painful for a soul. nevertheless, the soul still ultimately has a choice. no one is condemned. or rather, all who are condemned chooses their condemnation.

hm not very sure if i completely grasped his idea but it was smth like that i think.

ahhhh yes and the controversy of the final destination. he solves this by suggesting that heaven and hell cannot coexist in a soul (lolz so we have a hell soul and a heaven soul when we are alive?). so when a soul enters heaven, the goodness of heaven works backward all the way into his life on earth, so that his experience on earth becomes an extension of heaven. and this is the same for the converse: the evil of hell works backwards so that the soul's life on earth focuses on his suffering and his pain.

such interesting ideas right.

shit happens in sept

2009-09-10T22:34:00.003+08:00

i went out with my 0309 batch today. all along i always knew how different our worlds were. in their world, dropping out of school is a norm. in ours, getting B is below average. in theirs, not smoking is a virtue. in ours, vulgarities are a vice. today simply served to reinforce that point. watching gokusen reminds me of what i'm supposed to do for these ppl. but as i watch the episodes and let the warmth of idealism wash over me, i can't help but counter with cold cynicism.

as if it is so easy to change a person. as if good intentions are so easily known. as if sincerity and dedication so easily touch hearts. as if all (or even most) of them are good, nice and virtuous people hiding behind facades of rowdiness. as if most of them are really just misunderstood.

but we are called to have faith. and so we must. at least we had to. now that they've pop-ed... oh well. ok la i'm not actually THAT cynical. just that gokusen was really too unreal.

i bought my new bike today <3 it is a sleek and beautiful thing. white, classy and savvy. just wondering how to break e news to dad. lolz mentally rehearsing all my defenses. oh wellZ. bought already la shoganeiii so just let the storm come. the trick is to tell him on a good day la. i just quite scared he find out on his own.

AND I'M DAMN ANGRY ugh. it got first blood-ed within hours O.o i put it in the cab and the cab boot cut my seat sobz. stupid driver. went over the bump so fast wth. so i didn't wanna risk another time after dinner so i cycled home. from geylang! powerfullll. lolz not bad la followed tugmun's instructions just go straight all e way and poof i appeared in serangoon. niceeee. very possible healthy lifestyle~

interesting times! our oc ordered one of our specs to leopard crawl through the mud puddle in the last 4km of our 24km a few days ago because he refused to go through the puddles. and the best thing was: he actually did it. so yes he got pissed. he complained to TO. 2IC got to know, now CO knows yada yada yada. so there's a possibility of summary trial, which is damn interesting. ok la it'll prob be bad for us too... spillover effects. but it's worth it la. watching oc learn his lesson. then again i'm quite scared to plan stuff in my lull now... strong sense of deja vu. shit happens in sept.

The spaces between

2009-09-05T01:05:00.004+08:00

Magic happens in the spaces between. There is the pledge, when the magician shows you the coin. Then there is the turn, when he puts the coin into his hand and makes it vanish. Then there is the prestige, when he makes the coin appear behind your ear. The 3 essential aspects of a trick. But what no one realizes is that, the magic happens in the spaces between the pledge, the turn and the prestige. It is between showing you the coin, and putting the coin into his hand that he secretly drops it into his other hand. It is between showing the empty hand and pulling the coin from your ear that his other hand reaches forward. It all happens in the spaces between; the rest is just for show. It all happens when you are waiting to see what happens next.

Waiting. So much happens when we are waiting. We dream, we pray, we share... we savor the moment. That beautiful sunset, that wonderful landscape, that warm presence of a friend... that transient moment in time.

We waited that day. We sat down on an outcropping by the beach, in one long line. There was nothing to do so we just sat there, waiting, enjoying the sea breeze, listening to the waves lapping on the rocks, watching the hypnotic back and forth motion of the tides on the sand. Sometimes we talked, but when there was nothing to talk about, we simply sat in silence. We bitched a little (as usual) about wasting our time but the complaints were half-hearted and lacking in substance; more to cover up the awkwardness of relishing time spent together more than anything. We are all guys after all. We have an image to upkeep. But in truth, we all treasured that moment of connection.

It happened a second time. This time a few of us were in a room. No one switched on the lights; I guess we all didn't see the need to. There was nothing to do at all so we talked. Simple chatter. Asked each other questions, got to know more about each other, feel closer to one another. That’s when the rosy details of personal lives start to bloom amidst the wild grass of idle conversation. That’s when masks are removed, layers are peeled off, prejudices are cast aside and pride is let down. And all of a sudden, we discover a different face of the die, and we realize what we have been missing all this while.

Those moments are called the spaces between. They are defined as the times between now and the next thing on the schedule. The times that we wait for something to happen. The times that we have nothing to do. The times that nothing happens.

But actually, everything that matters happens in the spaces between. Magic happens in the spaces between.

The Price of Caring

2009-08-30T12:59:00.002+08:00

There are those of us who care too much. We are the ones that hold on to ideals and the vision, the ones that keep in mind the goals and what we hope to achieve. We are the ones to constantly push and prod, to keep things going. We are the ones holding the entire thing together or it will all fall apart. And we strain and strive so hard while others just flow along with the tides that we create, so much so that we get frustrated with everyone else's laid-back attitude and lack of initiative. We get irritated and angry, emotionally traumatized by the vast extremities; that while we are willing to put in our heart and soul, others are content to wallow in their indolence and apathy. That while we try so hard, an individual’s vigor and vitality is not enough to save a community. No, we need everyone.

And in this entire process of turmoil and stress, our hope and enthusiasm undergoes attrition. Cynicism pillages our ideals, reality assails our dreams, and negativity plagues our hopes. And we begin to wonder, why do we care so much? Everyone else is more peaceful and more happy just by simply being detached. In caring, we invest our emotions in a contract that returns naught but frustration and bitterness. Why care when we can be carefree? Why fight when we can be at peace? Why worry when we can be happy? Why risk disappointment in hope when we can be detached?

Why? Because in this, peace, happiness and detachment are mere euphemisms for stagnation, decadence and apathy. Because these are the things that matter most: faith, hope and love. We keep the faith, because fidelity goes beyond the head and the heart; it is in the sustained action. We cling on to hope, because it is the light that will never fade when all else turns to gloom and darkness. We never stop loving, because above all, love is the essence of our humanity.

We are the worried parent, the dedicated teacher, the altruistic mediator, and the committed member. We are the initiator, the organizer, the manager and the insurer. Why should we care? Because these are the things that matter. And if frustration, anxiety, stress and turmoil is the price that we pay for caring, so be it. So be it.

events

2009-08-23T00:36:00.003+08:00

quite a few events happened recently that matter... in chronological order i guess.

first off was the batam trip. it was fun la i guess. lolz the water sports, gocart, airsoft thing... but mostly just spending the time with friends. it was rather ex i guess but hope we all had fun. i know i did =)

next, one of the recruit's in our coy got possessed O.o at least a lot of cmds think so. i'm... not skeptical, but not accepting either. i trust izwan's judgment (compared to like brian or oc~), but the details fit the stereotype so well that i can't help doubting. the white figure, the eyes rolling back, the speaking in malay. and moreover, the rec is known for being dramatic. no disrespect intended of course. we are all entitled to our own beliefs. "suspected altered mental condition". nice euphemism.

this is completely out of point i know but i'd like to pause here to make a cryptic apology for any lies that i've said. it's to get the guilt of my chest. pls don't get me wrong this is completely unrelated to this post. it's purely self-centred.

carrying on, we just found out that 2 of our recruits have child problems (and they're not the only ones apparently... just the ones that sounded out). for one, his gf is 20 also and the baby is few mths old. for the other, his gf is 16 and few mths pregnant... and taking o levels this year. faintZ. and they are both the same age as us. for a moment after speaking with them, i put myself in their shoes and felt a jolt of fear. seriously... if i were in their situation i'd be scared shitless. wth sia... but i guess it really force them to mature and grow up. they are among the best in the plt... and their maturity in facing their issues is quite amazing. ahhh... will pray for them =)

anyway, i have new additions to my wishlist. a few-thousand-dollar cuckoo clock and a jet ski. sighZ. must be rich lehhhh. so materialistic. suddenly envision myself as uncle mel. then when i go over to my sibling's place my nieces and nephews will be so excited cos i buy them such wonderful toys. and i'll organize these wonderful holidays for my bro's and sis' families cos i have so much cash to splurge on them. but what's the catch? i'm single.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

The mirror cracked from side to side.

2009-08-02T20:47:00.001+08:00

I cried yesterday. Wept. Sobbed. My voice cracked and my body heaved and my mucus flowed. I lost control at the time when control mattered so much. The tears just came; could do nothing to stop it. I took deep breaths to calm myself. I tried to wrench my soul out of the situation. Tried to detach the puppet from the puppeteer. But nothing worked. I lost myself. That stoic strength. That mask of control (oh I know just how loosely that damn mask fits now).

You see, I consider myself very much in control. It gives me security and familiarity; it is my comfort zone. It is why I take such great pains to consider the many elements to ensure that I am prepared for them; in that way, they fall under some measure of control. It's a profoundly humbling experience - an anagnorisis. To suddenly realize that what you think of yourself is so far from what you actually are. And in that peripeteic moment, the confidence, the assurance, the pride, the arrogance... all of that shatters - the mirror cracked from side to side. They do it with mirrors, yes. The delusions and the illusions. And beyond the mirror lies a dark passageway. Another journey of apprehension, trepidation and insecurity.

People like me are in constant pursuit of the truth of the Self. That elusive, evergreen and ineffable grasp of our own identity. And all we get are glimpses of the layers. There's the person that I know I should be, the person I'd like to think of myself as, the person I think other people see, the person other people actually see... all these make up the many sides of the polygon of our identity. And the best part is, they change. Oh yes. That's how the Self stays one step ahead. Just as you think you know who you really are, the real you has already moved on. Or rather, morphed on; mutated on. It's why the quest for self-knowledge never ends. It is the dragon that chases its own tail. It is the Neverending Story. It is the journey of a lifetime.

V for Velleity

2009-07-18T23:19:00.003+08:00

i have such wonderful and beautiful visions. they're like iridescent rainbow-colored snowflakes, floating amidst december hail, unique and intricate.

now i need the demiurgic strength to materialize these velleities. to give them substance and form. to turn dream to reality.

or they simply join the white desert; an insignificant speck that makes the mickle of the barren landscape, fueled only by the spark of hope that one day, that little snowflake can gather enough momentum to become an avalanche of change.

photo albums

2009-07-11T09:03:00.003+08:00

"You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next." -Just Married

totally u know~ there are so many situations in which we see only the ends, forgetting the arduous means we took to get there. that's why the goal matters so much i guess. cos it is what others see. it is the tangible and the effable bird in the hand.

but character, attitude, personalities... all these are journeys, rather than destinations. that's why we can judge, we can criticize, but we must never condemn. cos while judging and criticizing serve as the barbed wire running along the sides of the road to ensure we stay on track, condemnation is the wheel clamp that locks you in position, allowing neither repentance nor reparation.

and somehow we always seem to forget. people matter. every single one. every individual - conscious, thoughtful, feeling and human. not just people within our lives but people without too. it's so easy grow distant and make a fair decision. in the name of justice. in the name of utilitarianism. in the name of discipline, standards, fairness. in the name of pride... or more euphemistically, the accountability of the word. it's so easy to slide.

anagnorisis

2009-06-27T14:46:00.004+08:00

Anagnorisis: the critical moment of recognition or discovery

just for e record, an excerpt from my prayer journal. 15/06/09 10.35PM:
"half an hour ago, mum called just before RO, and i suddenly remembered that it was dad's bday today. after giving him a call, getting told off for forgetting his birthday, trying to smoke that i actually did remember but was too busy to call (not that it's a good excuse anyway), feeling really indignant that i'm the bad guy despite my dedication, i stepped back and reflected.

and in an epiphanic moment, i realized this is the exact same scenario that parents go through in abandoning their children; the scenario in which the temptations and iniquities of work triumph over familial warmth and friendship, blood and water.

people always talk about the regret and the guilt. they talk about the new leaf and the slippery slope. but no one tells you about the pride that goes before the fall; no one tells you that the lethal and sinister lubricant that the slope is covered in is sometimes not the drive to succeed nor the will to achieve, but something as simple as dedication and passion.

...cos i really wonder what kind of nadir this slope would have led me to if a stop wasn't put to my fall."

a lazy sat afternoon (halfdayoff)

2009-06-20T16:30:00.004+08:00

new batch come in loh... 0309 ptp standard. so as per my norm, i took off during the second weekend in e middle of e confinement week. damn long inside la... the heat, the island view, the stuffiness of the bunk, the grossly malodorous garbage smell of the coastal route; all the little things that adding on to the fatigue and dreariness of the Tekong Effect.

got so caught up with the things to do during the first few days that i forgot to wish my dad happy birthday on 15th june -.- wrote an emo entry abt it in my prayer journal but didn't bring it home so can't capture it here. all in all a very humbling anagnorisis.

abt my batch... oh well i guess i like them. there's only 29 ppl and 2 sections so we have a relatively easier time, with the new specs arnd and all. they're all phds, ites, olvls or below so teaching them stuff is a slow-going process. a lot more 1-to-1 attention required. but they're innocent and simple. most of them are at least. they have so many tattoos and smoke so much but they're more like misguided children than gangsters. so taking them is actually very... delightful. their bubbly enthusiasm (they actually request for more songs O.o), their high morale (despite the much higher regimentation imposed compared to other batches), their blurness... but on the downside, their pettiness, their childishness... give and take la huh.

i guess i could have used this time to catch up with everyone i haven't seen in forever. but just so tired. lolz i went onto the ferry, fell aslp, woke up ten min later, tot the ferry had reached sft and walked out. realized i was still in tekong, walked back into the ferry again just as the door closed and the ferry started to leave for mainland. totally~ and we go again la huh.

next weekend will be a busier one... hopefully nth crops up. then the plan is: celebrate wanling's bday, meet ben, go kbox with xb and dom (and posef? <3 haven't seen him in foreverrrr), catch up with the 0109 ppl and their posting. whew busy. oh and get the bday present hm. manymanythingstodo.

oh i read lester's (newspec) book abt the 4 personality types - sanguine, choleric, melancholy, phlegmatic. so this is the model in which they said that some ppl enjoy being sad/depressed. and yes i'm obviously melancholy type. but its so... oxymoronic. when u enjoy smth, it makes u happy doesn't it? so how can u enjoy being sad? don't get it. but yet i do... i guess i would considering i declared that "sadness is beauty's tone".

O.o

2009-06-12T00:10:00.002+08:00

Melvyn completed the quiz "Awesome, Non-n00b "What Pokemon Are You?" Quiz" with the result Espeon.

Type: Psychic You are very cunning and wise. You keep to yourself and like to stay under the radar. You feel more comfortable having others underestimate you and then proving them wrong if the opportunity arises. You're not really a trouble maker but you definitely have a dark streak to you. Your beautiful outside appearance leads others to underestimate your extreme mental power. You're smart, you're beautiful - in an essence, you have it all. It's just a matter of making use of it and coming out of your shell - you're very shy. Make use of your abilities and don't let yourself fade into the background out of fear.

wow. but espeon is so... bleh. i wanna be ninetales. or like celebi. a faerie dragon~ ok la at least he's a psychic type.

0209 pop loh

2009-06-10T21:13:00.004+08:00

another batch has come and gone... and 0209 is over. bleh i ordered postcards for my section but they haven't arrived so irritating. then tmr is the PPoPP already still not here yet ughhhh (very shocking they ask me if they can hold the ppopp at my house O.o but i acceded anyway la).

so today as a treat to myself after another (3rd one if u include my BMT one also) 24km, i went for facial and massage. very horrifying~ facial was just... ugh torture. press until i want to die sia omg. but ok la at least i know i'm paying the price for smth. massage was just gross. even after telling her my shoulders and hips ached, that apathetic woman just uncaringly carried on with the same strength despite my very obvious gasps of pain from time to time. feel like scolding her after the massage. dowan to go back there le so sick pay for an mo turn into ze mo lor wth.

shuang xi ling men~

2009-06-06T22:44:00.003+08:00

zwing and wen are back!! lolz sat after booked out immediately went to have breakfast with them. then sat night after bmt went to watch terminator with them also. ahhhh so nice meeting up again. to repeat the words i used at log sharing today, there's that familiarly delightful warm feeling when we met up. not the ecstatic kind of delight but the fulfilled kind. the kind that stems from the pride that this relationship has transcended both barriers of space and time. we might not be as close as we once were, and we might not know each other as well as we would like to any more, but the thing is that we are still coming together. and that's the most impt thing: fidelity. cos fidelity means that the opportunity to get past resentment and bitterness, to close the spaces between us, to work out the problems that we have with each other will always be there. with that opportunity comes the hope that things will be better. with that hope comes the faith to invest in that relationship. thus, the self-enriching cycle of deep friendships is allowed to run its course.

drill squad got 2nddddddd omg miracleZ. it's like... as a performer for so long, i know from past experiences that the last prac is always the best and the performance itself sure got screwup and stuff one. but this was like... they hit an epiphany during the competition~ everything damn sui sia. except the fancy la but that's a given. 2nd!! gasps totally beyond expectations. very fluke but very happy =)

then oc praised our rec night performance O.o the theme was sports so our performance consisted of a talent show transiting to a bball/sexygirls dance (fazli made up 4 girls laughZ) and finally a mass dance with finale (this is becoming like a tradition~ plt 3 become mass dance sme sia) so yes must record oc's msg so shall type out the exact msg here.

"Tell the recruits its obvious we won the 4th time in a row although there is no competition. But TO and the rest of the OC have eyes to see. The efforts put in definitely is worth the praises. Thanks guys. Good job. Well done. I am proud of u guys." -W OC

O.o x 1000. lolz powerrrr sia. must be fazli's 4 girls. dono if he's really impressed with this batch or just these 2 batches on a whole. last batch's one a lot better tho... the mass dance this time was still so raw; the transition screwups in music; the misspelling of whiskey to 'whiseky' and the dull color scheme in mass dance. but considering the schedule we did great la.

kudos guys. pity e schedule sucked. now... here. we. go. again.

back... to the future

2009-05-29T19:43:00.008+08:00

AUNTY ANULA IS BACKKKKKK <3 x 100000. ahhhhh happy happy happy. omg clean nice smelling properly folded and ironed clothes again finally. and proper making of bed and clean room floors~ i am totally spoilt i know laughZ.

the house was just so cold without her. felt so much emptier. i guess now that we're grown up dad and mum don't spend that much time at home anymore. instead, aunty anula is the one that we always see cos she's always at home and she has become such an integral part of us. when i heard that she msged jie i was a little hurt that she never msg me but then she said that she did but the msg sending failed. and that really made my day more than anything else. in attempting to be strong, we try not to be oversensitive and let these little things affect us but the truth is, they do matter very much. esp when the person is someone so close to u and so much a part of your heart. so yea. that was nice =)

i think we screwed up this batch. ok la 'screwed up' is a little harsh. just... i didn't do a good enough job that i could have done. partly cos i lost a little of the fire (the inevitable comparison really stifled the passion), and partly cos i played all my trumps and had little left for this batch. i realized this fully today when i took cab back with kok tong, kenneth and zhiwei from sdc. and i casually asked them who they thought would be plt best and who they didn't like in e plt. before, i would have realized this long ago from having broken down the cmd-trainee barrier much more than now and i would've taken steps to counter it. like how i spoke to jarren, tengseng and daniel. and the guilt trip that i gave the pes C for ostrasizing one of their own. but this time... i only realized in week 7.

i keep envying, planning and reminiscing. i spend so much time on what i don't have, what is coming up ahead and what i had before that i keep losing focus of the present. "be here. be present. now." the exact words i used on my drill squad a few days ago to get them to concentrate on the practice. hypocrite. i envy daniel, marcus, jethro and weikiat, i am always thinking abt what comes next to be on the ball and i mull over what we did for our last 2 batches. and in doing all of that, i lost sight of my highest priority: my section.

so i'm trying to make reparations. maximize my time these 8 days. and hopefully i'll never lose sight of my vision again - to touch lives; to make a difference. not just duties and efficiency. ugh the iniquities of work.

our next batch is ptp standard. so we'll have time. and in that time, i want to train their drills and their field pack inspection. i want more than half the drill squad to come from our plt. i want them to build the spirit that i know is possible cos it will be unadulterated by the need to wayang or the fear of punishment. i want to defy all the prejudices and stereotypes of a standard batch. and if possible, without pushups =) ok la the pushups thing is... really qn mark. bleh getting caught up in the future again... must constantly remind myself that it cannot be at the expense of the present.

right now. the immediate concern is........... DRILL SQUADDDDDD omg faintZ x 1000. prayZ x 1000000000000000000000000. we need a faith and hope. yups. a miracle would do too.

osmosis

2009-05-09T01:46:00.005+08:00

i got into law. thats all. just tot u all should know. i'd want u all to know at least. because that's what we do as friends. we try to to keep up with each other's lives. we try to keep the bridge there even though now there's a space between us. guess the keyword is 'try'.

is water really that circumstantial? so disillusioningly ironic. that we use water as the symbol of a relationship. cos water is clean, pure and transparent and a relationship's anything but that. but then again perhaps it's not ironic at all. water's never really pure right. lake water is filled with microorganisms. sea water has salt. pool water has chlorine. even the water that we drink has some sort of minerals. cos completely pure water would drown us. the electrolytes in our blood would all diffuse out of the blood and the water will fill the red blood cells and burst them. that's how some families break up i guess. through osmosis.

i tell myself sometimes to keep the faith. faith lies in the sustained act, not in what the heart feels or in what the head thinks. but the head and the heart are formidable warriors of attrition and my reservoir of faith is pretty drained after such persistent lethargy. i've run out of excuses to make.

i wonder if u still don't lie.

clarion call~

2009-05-02T11:03:00.004+08:00

i just chanced across letters i wrote to my catechists that i never sent... haiz such wasted opportunities. opportunities lost to sloth. oh well at least i did up fazli's ord postcard and ordered it already. ahhhhh so happy have photos of incamp life <3 damn tempted to upload but ee later get charged =(

anywayyy dear god, what kind of clarion call are u sending me in that book. i really wonder sometimes if these are callings. sometimes, u think that what u do is upright and fulfilling and meaningful. but then someone comes along again and shows u how far the road ahead is. just when u think u hit the highest lvl of need of self-actualization, u realize that there is actualization of others O.o just when u think that it is beautiful to derive pleasure from the pleasure of others, u receive the msg that there is a call to be irrelevant~

lolz reminds me of al pacino's tirade in the devil's advocate. but yea i'm just being dismissive here i know. seed planted la wait and see how it is watered lor. so fatalistic.

anyway random thots: i was damn drained by e last two days! why was it so shag ugh i also don't really know. thenn i need to duplicate my key and go borders ahhh v lazy. and i forgot to bring back my bmt racket faintZ irritatingggggg. on a happier note i had a reallyy nice sleep last night =) on aircon and felt snug, safe and warm under my quilt in my bed. think my 50 dollars to pay for last night's meetup, another night in my own room, lunch with e family, bmt (with shang) and hopefully, many dota games~ is totally worth it =)

montue break

2009-04-28T15:24:00.004+08:00

lolz omg damn retarded i camwhore with myself~ no laaa. i test out my mac camera~ damn funny when i look thru e pics. took 1 to 8, plus a few more random shots with effects.

soooo lazy omg this break i just nua the two days away. dota and dota. then eat and sleep. never do anything at all seriously. ok la got play piano once. oh and watch movie with dad and kor. ok la not that bad. caught up with naruto and bleach le... now moving on to heroes~ plus jap drama, psych mag, handle with care... so many things on my entertainment list <3 next mth when got money then start buying sandman and more. ahhhh exciting exciting ^^

i feel kinda displaced. like my world around me has shrunk to this bubble of army reality. occasionally get glimpses of e outside world la but still damn disconnected. think maybe it's the confinement? but not as if i never book out also last weekend met up with the 0109 ppl ma. then also ben not around, nv go church for quite a while nv get to see the log ppl.

it's getting hard to be nice. it was so natural last time and i remember being so convicted. how did all that eroded away? i have to actually catch myself and remind myself now to be empathetic. find myself doing more and more self-checks. so disillusioning i was so sure that because i was ppl-oriented, i would never lose the passion and compassion. but in e end just another ordinary bmt commander getting jaded by the droning repetition. so much for values and ideals being anchors of behavior. in e end it still boils down to influence vs vigilance. ok la give myself credit i do still find meaning in taking the batch... but still feel like i've lost quite a bit.

oh yes. record a really strange dream. i dreamt smth abt the raven oc. i was good friends with him? blehhhh. the details are all so hazy now. just that i remember dreaming that he was a super nice guy. but yes. when i ord, i'll restart my dream diary =) shudn't have stopped in jc ugh.

slothhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. faintZ O.o ok la for the ord postcards got excuse... got more photos coming in... esp the incamp ones! then no money to go out so cannot buy my scrapbook, go borders, shopping etc. soooo. dota-whole-day is justified =) ugh must duplicate key tho. haiz. irritating.

whiskey cohesion <3

2009-04-07T11:11:00.004+08:00

i think it started with that day when we booked in... friday? the one before our sunday duty. was it the subaltern parade? dono doesn't really matter... things were building up to that point already but i guess that was the turning point. oh yeaa we booked in early to cleanup cos of the next day's inspection so majority of the ppl on the boat were whiskey cmds. perhaps it was cos it's been a relatively long time (considering that we see each other everyday -.-) since we last met, or perhaps it was just cos we were all doing shit together... but i was really surprised by the surge of goodwill i felt towards them. the... 'almost-elation' i felt at seeing them again. the way we chatted so animatedly in the boat as if we were best buddies that haven't seen each other in years. lolz it felt really warm seeing everyone in the 3 rows that we occupied in the boat just turning and chatting and laughing and bitching together abt sun's guard duty. and that really surprised me. the warmth i felt. the goodwill. i've never felt, or hoped to feel anything like that towards my companions in army.

and then the lame thing that encik did, plus coming back of our own accord to cleanup. i guess that really bonded us more. that we'd be willing to sac bookout time to stay back and do stuff with each other. playing bmt and all... having dinner together. when we could have just gone home. i think that really sparked smth. the voluntary spending of time with each other.

we had our chalet ytd. there were a few cockups here and there and things threatened to turn sour. but in the end it turned out fine la. ok not fine... perhaps quite good. we had a few really fun times. and we all gotta interact with each other in ways that we usually don't. lolz playing heart attack, the name game, poker... and amazingly. yes amazing for me. i think these might be friends for keeps. lolz we'll see la huh. but it's only apr. many more mths to go... so the hope is really there.

BEING A PILLION RIDER omggg damn funn. left a reallyyy strong impression. but haiz so dangerous. and parents ban. so haiz probably one of the few times i'm ever gonna ride these few decades ^^

dum dum di dum dum. dadadada

2009-04-03T23:02:00.005+08:00

feel some sort of need to exonerate myself from the last childish ranting with some highly insightful and intellectual elucidation or dissection of some complex amalgam. but so arbitrary. then again, IT IS ALL PART OF THE PLAN WAHAHAHA. faintZ.

O.o cynics beware god's wrath. mt 18:6-7. lolz stumbled across this while prepping for my session. but haiz yes... such a terrible sin. to be the cause of someone's loss of magic and wonder.

haiz i need to do my sessionnnnn but ugh i am like doing everything except the session itself. evident in my current activity~

i want to watch 17! and knowing!

<3 new songs

ugh enciks~

2009-03-27T22:54:00.007+08:00

*sobz. elitist bitching alert.*

ugh highly disappointed with csm. in e end he proved to be just another encik. yucks. ok la must admit he's not as bad as most... but still~ the hallmark of irrationality in the regular wospec core endures. very disillusioning. sobz but have sgt tay. ok la cannot degrade them until like that. from pwos onwards~ they like. lose the ability to think beyond a certain no. of levels. very pathetic.

srry la i know i'm being elitist. but how can i not be when they are exerting and abusing their power over us. it's a defense mechanism. e worst is that he considers himself logical. don't even have the humility to consider that our intellectual faculties just MIGHT be better than his. and they're not JUST better. they are totally superior pls. faintZ. vvvv deluded can't stand it. ok la we're at fault i admit. but it's like... his hypocrisy and irrationality is totally gross. hate e way he asks us to ask qns so that we don't be fools or wdv he calls it, yet mocks and humiliates us whenever we ask e qn. very lame. and sadistic. and childish nv see e consequences de. as much as it is lent and all and wdv other excuses i try to make for myself to be nice, i feel my contempt is wholly justified. AM I BEING LOGICAL? DO I MAKE SENSE? hello. get a grip~ totally delusional~

OMG YES and waste so much of our time in trying to trickZ us with the illusion of choice. would have made things so much more simpler if he just told us straight that our punishment was either confinement or extra instead of letting us debate forever. think he is so smart faintZ just a lousy tattooed regular. ok la don't have anything against tattoos. sobz ok maybe i do =( eh but i'm not averse to it! i might actually consider it next time~ like weilong's one on the finger so artistic.

and to think we're covering his screwup by doing duty on sunday. egoistic and ungrateful whore. maturity of a toadstool.

laughZ ok that sounds quite retarded. being totally hypocritical. but hm how do u bitch without being a hypocrite? in calling someone elitist, i'm sorta being elitist too. same for immaturity. and egoism. i. don't. care. ravings~

drama!

2009-03-25T13:46:00.004+08:00

O.o when my sis saw sebas' photo she was like. "wa. this guy quite handsome. ac one arh?". "yup". "i knew it! he got the ac face." O.o powerful. what isit abt a school that creates such an identity/aura/look in their students?

anyway! damnnnn drama today!!! brilliant bit one of the puppies! then he was obviously damn traumatized and scared and made damn a lot of noise. run around and blood all over the place O.o when i saw the amt of blood i also got a shock. then only aunty anula and i at home so lolz immediately call dad ask him what to do. waa but the blood... the iron tangy smell, the deep red spots contrasting against the pale marble. esp the smell. it was what hit me first that caused the adrenaline rush. even in the accident i don't think (ok at least i don't remember... trauma dissociation perhaps~) the smell was that strong. ok but quite different la. external vs internal injury. no idea if it makes a difference

but yea so we wrapped a towel around the wound area and carried the puppy all the way to pet resource. lolz my shirt was bloody, the puppy was just in our bare hands and i had my wallet and hp with me. but the vet not there!!! and besides, they apparently do consultatiosn only -.- wat a pathetic vet. so we went to e circus and tried to get a cab, enduring stares of both passerbys and drivers. and when we finally got the cab and reached brighton cresc, the vet was closed there -.- so we just went home. faintZ. and called mum ask her how to dress the wound. in e end, we just used salt water and cleaned the wound and that's that for now.

but later when we brought it to e vet there was like. :O a hole~ rather scary actually luckily we brought him to e vet if not i think infection sure set in. then some more he so young. ex tho... 237. just for antiobiotics and consultation.

ANYWAYYYYYY OMG I AM DAMN PISSED. I HAVE GUARD DUTY ON SUNDAY. and aunty anula is flying offffffffff omggggg haven't we had enough of these totally screwed up disgusting mixups and clashes between army and cv life. i hateeee these stupid things. ugh.

end

2009-03-24T16:44:00.004+08:00

i burned thru e dark disciple trilogy in my span of 2 consecutive cos duties. esp when encik was around. reading was e best form of escapism. draw little attention to yourself, take your mind off the current situation and just Fade into another reality~ i learnt that from the graveyard book! =) but bleh the trilogy wasn't that good leh. i wonder if i've been spoilt by neil gaiman.

anyway. capture my memories. cos i think in time, they'll fade... the nostalgic ache, the bittersweet longings, the terrible conflict between hope and knowledge. i think it's wrong to say that time heals. it's more like... time numbs. yea fazli was right in using that word. time numbs the wound. the scars always remain, but at least the pain is gone.

i really wonder why i feel so much tho. i didn't even feel the ache of loss and parting that much during our own prom or grad night. but as i told ben, perhaps those events were buffered by the significant probability of hope in the future. it's only 9 weeks. and i'm not even super close friends with them or anything. i'm just their cmd. but i guess it's because i'm their cmd that this is where it all ends.

it's like... everytime i hear the new songs in my ipod that i got to know from that kbox session, i think of them... the way wenjun dances, daryl being high, elson and his retarded nonsense, weiwen's gay poses... so many more of their idiosyncrasies that are like little stars in the dark gloom of loss. cos while there is still a slim chance that they will keep in touch, the possibility of the cmds remaining as friends with them are almost zero. and i'm being hopeful in saying 'almost'. haiz... ben calls this the 'grieving beauty of human connections'. so elegantly phrased. even i myself said that sadness "... is the emotion that reaches out most to the deep recesses of our hearts and stirs the strings of our souls, leaving behind a resonating ripple of memory and experience. " oh well. worst vice is advice. stop indulging in cliches.

shall take the chance while they're in ocs to remove them from my blog. lolz v embarrassing if they see. i know... i once ranted that the capacity to feel should not be any indication of weakness. and i still feel that way! in fact, i view it as an indication of strength rather. which is why i write all this down. and chastise them for making fun of ppl who cry (during pop and all haha). but still... lolz if they see it'd be a LITTLE awkward.

Change the World. One Person at a Time. Totally~

2009-03-21T12:10:00.009+08:00

i just helped aunty anula bathe the puppies! ahhhh the pleasantries of spontaneity. i wish it could last forever... but the thing that makes it so beautiful is its transience i guess. a lull is only so because of wat comes before and after.

There is something so beautiful in a pairing. Lets just put aside the differences between philia, eros and agape; put aside the differences between friends, siblings, lovers and soulmates. Lets just talk about 2 people.

In a sense, a pairing is the most basic, fundamental form of human interaction. It begins with a mother and her child. The exclusive love that a mother shares with her child is so selfless, so all-encompassing that it is likened to agape. And from that moment, our natural propensity to share our life with another is borne.

Each person is like a lock, to which we all are potential keys. And when the two come together, a door to a new world is unlocked. A world of hidden talent, actualization, flowing peace and above all, completion. When a brother plays with a brother, when a mentor coaches his mentee, when loved ones quarrel, when spouses consummate their passion, when 2 acquaintances sit down to chat... there is vast opportunity for differences to be made. In the interaction of an individual with another, despite the kind of interaction, the teeth of the key align to the grooves of the lock, and the door to change is opened.

As much as we value multitasking, networking and charisma, I think we are truly made for one person at a time only. Of course, communities matter. But the community and the individual fulfill different aspects of our needs. I don't really know if there's a hierarchy, but I know that we truly need both. Because when two people come together, it just seems so... apt. Correct. Perfect. It can be a heated argument, a worldly chat, an intellectual debate, a healing conversation, an exchange of ideas or a soul-to-soul sharing. Whatever the interaction is, as long two people come together in the ideal manner, they take on the shape of a double helix - they spiral around one another in ascension.

"Every person is worth your time, Hannibal. If at first appearance a person seems dull, then look harder, look into him." -Hannibal Rising. laughZ this belief is the key to the potency behind my truth or dare qns. tsk tsk.

brian really planted a seed that took root that day, when he elucidated on his vehemence towards cliques in the sec 4 interviews...

hm... inspired by... departures. yup watched it with ivan that day. laughZ but the trigger was~ ytd's ppopp. totallyZ. omg can think of slogan lehhh - 'change the world. one person at a time.' totally.

lolz i just realized... that this is the kind of thing that made the bishop (Decline of Controversy) say "Another evidence of this same disrespect for rational foundations is the general readiness of the modern mind to accept a statement because of the literary way in which it is couched". just because i use extended metaphors coupled with analogies that evoke pretty images i assume that it is enough to convince someone. no logic, no argument, no... dialectic. no syllogism, no proof tables, no exposition, no thesis statement. but man... leave that for the machines. the mentats. i'm just a soul reaching out to another. rationality is not part of that equation, however ironic that sounds~

99 roses~

2009-03-16T20:02:00.003+08:00

36 done! 63 more to go to the completion of my 99 rose project~ lolz yes jas it's still ongoing. and i write smth inside each rose so... it's like 99 moments of my time captured. random thots and emotions. such a novel idea right!!! laughZ. and of course i'm seduced more by that than any sincere altruism. the act of giving it away will be the selfless part i guess. for now, i'm just indulging in my creativity~

i am the master of my fate; i am the captain of my soul...

2009-03-15T13:40:00.010+08:00

ugh i can't shake the awareness of being watched whenever i add new ppl to read. suddenly everything becomes so conscious... so motivated. so arbitrary. at least for e rest they're only at the back of my mind... but new ppl really contribute to the observer effect. and yes. elson. u are the cause of this, in case u were wondering who i was referring to. but =) it's ok.

in church today, sim mentioned smth rather intriguing. apparently in evan almighty -.- the qn was asked: when u ask god to change u, does god make the change or does he grants u with opportunities to change? so when u ask for patience, he doesn't make u less impatient. instead, he sends ppl to piss u off so that u learn how to be patient. lolz. pain is the great teacher~ but it sorta makes sense la. with the free will idea and all that.

but it did get me thinking abt the amt of control we have over our lives, even for those of us who view ourselves as religious. it's not really necessary that being religious implies submitting to some sort of gnostic determinism... faith and free will can coexist. so... i am the master of my fate; i am the captain of my soul. but i guess god's like the vessel we sail in. we are at the helm, hands on the steering wheel. so whether we choose to head straight into a maelstrom, down a waterfall or towards the Lands Beyond~ it's still up to us. but if we choose to change, then god's the one supporting us, whichever direction we choose.

so. anyway. went to watch nus concert ytd. lolz the group of us ate dinner at crystal jade... a nice round table. and it was really nice... very convivial atmosphere. i think in e 2 years we spent together, many of us went past the peak of this batch relationship... so now distance and drift backed it up? i don't know. but to see everyone again... talking so animatedly and so warmly and so comfortably. it was nice =)

and continuing on from that model... i'm quite glad that for this batch, they popped so nicely just at that peak. ok la hard to determine where is the exact tip but we know it's around there. and so that's where it ends. no opportunity for it to continue down the trough. i'll be surprised if it does progress. perhaps it will... there seems like there could be enough precedence. 4 days in their entire bmt without seeing one another only -.- that is seriously powerful.

oh well. always look on the bright side. of life. *whistles* just ignore the shadows that the light cause =) ugh. cynical bitch. stop it.

kantian

2009-03-13T15:04:00.003+08:00

quite suddenly... i realized that i've become a kantian O.o i don't even know the motivations behind it, or the exact path i trod. it just happened. and i just realized. no logical reason. i can't even justify it. maybe if i search deep and ask the right qns... i'll get it. but at the moment, lolz sloth beckons~ no laaaa not sloth. other concerns~ duties. laughZ

popped...

2009-03-12T23:49:00.002+08:00

wa can't stand it... the puppies are damn cute now. i came home today and went to the back and can't resist. immediately sit down and play with them. check out my facebook pics~

oh well anyway... my recruits have popped. very bittersweet. and surprise surprise... ytd while doing cos... maybe it was cos i was alone and emo sets in easily during solitude... i actually found myself missing them. haiz i really reallyyyyyyy wished we could have recorded the recruit's night performance. phenomenal. even gerald said so~ lolz and of course the rest of the cmd were equally floored.

but anyway yes! must rant about the screwed up pop. pop per se was ok i guess... not sure didn't watch e entire thing. but the armskote! screwed up change of instructions. then their collection of items. and sobz *mourns* totally no time to do proper farewell at all. don't even have a photo with my section. wa damnnnnnnn pissed off. seriously la. all these kind of stupid things that can be prevented if ppl are more on the ball. and less myopic. and ugh. nowhere am i ever gonna get those photos again lor. cv can take la but it's different! we're not wearing our uniforms. they have popped! bah.

but then i got an sms from my recruit that cheered me up considerably. he told me he had a lot to say to me so look out for his email. and i just read it today. and =) x 1000. when i took on this job i told myself that if each batch, i manage to touch at least 1 person, then i would have succeeded. so i guess i did for this batch =) the email was really nice <3 but too bad that he's gonna downpes. so as much as he picked up, my legacy won't be carried on =( lolz so arrogant. legacy~

"...I really hope that our particular batch will hold a special place in your heart." no worries there. rest assured... u guys do =) they all don't have access of course. i surf their facebook and i see how fun a time they're having with each other... the great irony. oh well. shan't expound too much on it.

srry. it's faith again.

2009-02-24T16:29:00.004+08:00

omg faintZ. read the autobiography that i wrote in sec 3. feel like. ugh. zomg shameZ. rtpioubmn. so pompous. and immature. and bleh.

i am a prey to my sloth and indolence~ ohoh ya it was in the news. of how men and women's sins were rated. for men it is: lust, gluttony, sloth, anger, pride, envy, greed. ok i think my first is pride. totally~ then maybe greed? i'm very irritated about sloth but when i try to look at myself from an objective pov i don't think... ok la not that i'm not using my gifts. but i'm lazy to develop my potential. ok this is a little warped shall stop.

i just read thru a letter i wrote to a friend... and it got me thinking abt faith. "We commit ourselves inside of family, church, community, and friendship but with the unspoken condition: I will stay with you as long as you don't seriously disappoint or hurt me. But if you do, I will move on! ... it is simply impossible to live or work with each other for any length of time without seriously disappointing and hurting each other ... We can't promise that we will always be good. We can only promise that we will always be there! And, in the end, that promise is enough... eventually the hurts and misunderstandings wash clean and even bitterness turns to love." - Fr Ronald Roheiser (that article on faith and fidelity)

from a detached pov, i think i'm quite lucky. cos i gotta experience firsthand of being faithful, and being faithless. i know the consequences of backing out when the going gets tough... of simply ending something just cos it didn't look good. and i know the rewards of staying all the way through... working at the chinks, tying the knots in a broken rope such that the distance closes up. i recognize what i missed and i treasure what i have. but i really wonder sometimes... if contentment carries with it the snare of stagnation.

the sacrament of marriage. i guess this is wat it's all about. fidelity. it's just a point when two ppl decide: we are going to stay together no matter what happens. is it about love? is it about passion? maybe it is. or maybe it's just about fidelity. "nothing more, but nothing less." it's a promise. a covenant. that's what marriage really is. that's why it's different from two ppl who love each other and simply live together. that's why it's such a blasphemy to divorce. it's a complete paradox to marriage.

on a sidenote, i'd like to pray for one of my friends. and i put it here to reify it. if not it'll just be some vague fuzzy desire to help which will amount to nothing. i pray that he'll regain his sense of wonder and faith. his appreciation of things good and beautiful. cos this time, the pendulum has truly swung all the way.

faith & fidelity

2009-02-22T14:56:00.005+08:00

omg vv pissed off. it rained. and my clothes are outside. AND THEY'RE WET. AND I'M BOOKING IN AT FREAKING 5.30. AND I BOOKED OUT LAST NIGHT. faintZ.

ugh my cv life is in shambles. uni/scholarship apps, letters to my section, log stuff, holiday, comp, dota, newspaper scrapbook, shopping. bleh. cannot do anything. come home just feeling like. meditating~ ok la granted, i'm watching jap drama and bleach and practicing flute in camp... but ugh some things only bookout then can do de ma. haiz ok la cannot bitch so much. i'm really quite satisfied with my incamp life. apart from oc, everything's quite fine. but sobz next week got re-sit testttttt another short book out. wa faintZ. seriously.

so yes i apologize to everyone here for not being able to date u all to catch up! i barely have enough time to settle my personal errands.

lucifer <3 omg immensely delightful and intriguing. i never thot i'd be able to fall in love with comics. but here we are. storyline, creativity, aesthetic appeal... all woven into this amazing series. i have the next half it!!!! ahahah. next in line is sandman. dono if i should buy one or the other, or both. book collection <3

faith and fidelity. today i read a brilliant article that my bro showed me in catholic news. it elucidates in a much more eloquent manner (with a much better choice of words too) the stuff that i've been blogging about. it is so... rewarding to see your personal philosophies reaffirmed in such an explicit manner. at least u're not alone in believing in that ideal. but then again, it also shows how woefully inadequate my skills are in communicating that idea across -.- remind me to show u that article if u come over =)

"Faith is a commitment to a way of living beyond good and secure feelings... Ultimately, faith is not in the head or the heart but in the action of a sustained commitment. Faith is fidelity, nothing more but nothing less."

smth more.

2009-02-07T09:41:00.003+08:00

went out with jas ytd to watch changeling. we wanted to watch benjamin buttons but =( no show timings. and teppan yaki! and then went for the law-med debates. lolz so sia suay the debate round was the tiebreaker for the law-med games. and medicine won -.- but still damn impressive la. the flair, the poise, the wit... ahhh. it's what i'm starting to realize - i have a problem with communication =( verbal especially. written is not that bad. but verbal is just. ugh. faintZ.

i said smth last night during bible sharing that kindof persuaded even myself. lolz if i didn't really believe it then how did i say it in the first place i wonder. anyway just wanted to put it here for e record.

i think sometimes, we gotta believe that the things we do are for more than just our own satisfaction. like praying. and worshiping. even tho we don't get the high and certain rituals have lost their meaning and we've become so jaded that it seems like we are simply going through the motions, we still do it anyway. because the things we do are more than just about us.

today morning went to tavistock to play frisbee. with swee, joan, jes, jess, soo, liver and mark. i didn't really wanna go... don't really like frisbee. would have wanted to do more stuff. considering that got so little time already. blog, dota, personal stuffZ and all that. and then there would be the waiting... time wasted. basically more efficient use of my time if i didn't go. but then... sometimes it's not all abt being utilitarian, as my bro would often chastise me. sometimes, we gotta do things because of something more than personal gain. something more than self-fulfillment. even tho sometimes it feels fake, it feels arbitrary, it feels phony... because it's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. in the minds of others. and contrary to popular perception, that identity that lives in the minds of others is as real and as true as the image that we have of ourselves. theatricality. as derogatory a connotation that word might have, theatricality is of undoubted importance.

totally~ the things you learn from batman. laughZ.

but in any case i enjoyed myself la. didn't regret going. it's been so long since i played a physical game with a group. badminton is very... it's like a ballroom dance while these kinds are like a mass line dance. different sort of feel u know? it felt really good to just run around in an open field in barefoot... joyful perspiration. lolz so bathetic. ok la not really. quite a nice image actually. running in the sun in an open field in barefoot and playing frisbee~

haiz gotta book in tonight. sobz.

march holiday!!!!

2009-02-07T08:54:00.001+08:00

hellooooo to anyone who reads my blog anybody interested in holiday in march?? feel like going somewhere. near or far, short or long doesn't really matter. i just wanna go.

25

2009-02-03T10:19:00.007+08:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “Notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people then click "Publish.")

1. I used to play 3 blind mice (zuo mi chang) everyday - 5.30-7pm at the park near our house. The 6 of us played so regularly that we formed a clique known as the 'Mushroomers'. Don't ask me why.

2. When I was young (not that long ago :)) my bro and I would play imaginary games. We made our own swords and guns and imagined our own universes and storylines. We even designed our own transport vessels and had our own superpowers. Oh <3 he gave me a drawing of a ship with a list of its abilities for my bday one year. It's named 'Matrix Voyager' if I remember correctly.

3. My sis made me wear a dress and took a photo of me when I was young (totally tricked into it. Not really la but I was just... stupid then. Gullible. You know.) I'm not sure where the photo is now but I SUSPECT I threw it away =)

4. I loved dinosaurs! I wanted to be a paleontologist. Then it became a marine biologist. Now my dream job is to be a game designer in Blizzard =( like... weave zerg units out of thin air for them. faintZ

5. I really dislike news. It is utterly plebeian and boring. And nowadays it's depressing. But still so essential. ugh.

6. I used to sit beside my sis when she practiced her piano when I was young. I helped her to turn the page -.-

7. I loved beast wars! And their toys! We had a collection! Ok la we could have had... we just didn't take care of them =(

8. I really don't like R&B. It's noisy and senseless. That's the worst part. The lame lyrics.

9. Random things to do: see the aurora borealis, stonehenge, dubai's atlantis, bungee jump, absail/parachute. More to come

10. I have a collection of really strange ideas. These include thoughts about psychobiology, quantification of morals, Voice, and other warped stuff. I like to review it from time to time.

11. My sis tricked me into believing that there was a universal World Clock that chimed at midnight every night. So I stayed up one night until 12 and she hummed the 12 midnight chime. I believed the World Clock existed for at least a year. -.-

12. Really fond school memories: hand game, catching, tat tat ee/money (laughZ), mushroom <3, pushofftheroot, pepsi cola, chapteh... ahh.

13. I cried when I first watched Independence Day. When the alien in the test room resurrected and started psyching everyone out =(

14. I like the Saw movies =)

15. I love disney! The world would be so much less without walt disney. LaughZ such a nice bathetic effect from 14 to 15.

16. Neil Gaiman is my current favorite author <3 stardust! neverwhere! graveyard book! anansi boys!

17. According to many free MBTI tests online, I am an INFJ. And according to an Enneagram personality test that I paid 100 bucks for, I am an Individualist.

18. I believe in real magic.

19. I talk to my sis while we're shitting cos our toilets are adjacent. Apart from that, we converse on MSN. The marvels of technology you know? It eliminates the need to walk the 30 cm that our room doors are separated by.

20. Ever since the accident, I have dared to take any roller coaster ride. Not that I wanna boast... it's just... the knowledge of security. There's still the thrill and the adrenaline rush, but the fear's gone. Perfectly natural I would think.

21. I am a starcraft fan! I CAN'T WAIT FOR SC2 TO BE OUT OMGZ. Er. Diablo and WC are cool too. Blizzard rocks. But <3 SC. And the zerg.

22. Swords > guns. Biological/psionic powers > technological prowess. Zerg > protoss > terran.

23. I got started on pokemon cos I fell in love with bulbasaur when I saw my neighbor playing it. And leech seed. Totally cool.

24. I once had a headache so bad that it made me understand why people would consider suicide and euthanasia. That means I actually contemplated suicide doesn't it? DepressionZ. But in any case, it made me quit dota *gasps* For a month or two at least.

25. I am a good boy. =)

fieldcamp~

2009-02-03T08:45:00.003+08:00

fieldcamp is overrrrrr yess <3 actually... now that i think abt ninja fieldcamp was it really that bad? ok just checked last year's diary. don't even have any blogpost regarding fieldcamp. lolz maybe just another way of dissociating myself from the trauma of it all~ apparently it worked. or maybe it really just wasn't that bad. eclipsed by staff alan *horror*

anyway... i think our recruits did well. the general comments were that this was a batch that helped each other quite automatically. whether our words had anything to do with it i don't really know... i'm just quite pleased at their performance la. the organization of field camp itself was quite screwed up... time allocation of lessons esp. but compared to the pes c one vast improvement already i guess. they kindof got tekaned every morning. such that in the RO when the strictness has kindof diffused away the question they always ask is "is there 5bx tmr?" lolz 5bx has obviously turned into a symbol of tekan for them.

and yea so much for the no-punishment philosophy. but then again it's field camp la. so it's kindof justified. getting them acclimatized to working under pressure. as ridiculously noble as that sounds, i do actually mean it (means i am actually that noble laughZ).

BUT THEY'RE DAMN METRO. like seriously. one of the most pertinent questions was how camo would affect their face. -.- i swear! lolz strange bunch. but i like them anyway <3

so i took off today to come home cut hair, wash clothes and run other errands. my room's in a mess! ugh. but it is. organized chaos~ i tell aunty anula explicitly not to touch my mess cos i know where to find my stuff. i'll just clear it some time later when i get home again. like how i'll complete my axia jigsaw. faintZ. damn longg la still remember aunty anula saying how when army starts i still won't get it done yet. oh well one year of army has come and gone~ still only have her face there. and her magical violin~ pretty axia shrieks =(

<3 aunty anula again. she got med app but she stayed at home to steam fish for me today. cos the cookhouses just spam chicken legs at us. like seriously. don't understand where they get so many freaking fat trotter-like drumsticks from. it's rather gross actually. so sick of chicken -.-

i feel like doing magic again. and i watched prestige today again on my wonderful 20-inch super-high-resolution mac <3 ahahaha. but of course those two aren't really related. no really! ok la not really. but must learn to sketch also. start on my long arduous path to samwise-standard fantasy art~ so many things to do so little time. and i just reminded myself during lunch and dinner to slow down so that i can savor the food properly.

AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGHHHHH ENOUGHHH... new songs <3

cny 09

2009-01-26T23:23:00.004+08:00

visiting! cny every year is packed to the brim with visiting. house after house. and sometimes its really a little arbitrary... we just go... shake ppl's hands... ppl whom we only meet once a year and whom if we meet coincidentally in orchard we'd probably try to avoid. wish them a happy new year. answer their standard question of "so what what are u doing now?". let dad fill up the silence with his eloquent small talk~ and then the 3 of us will engage in our own discussion. sometimes just me and my bro. immerse ourselves in intellectual discussion~ until our sis reminds us with a glare that it is rude. then we'll start answering some questions and try to be a little less autistic than we normally are. laughZ.

incidentally for those who do not know yet. i have my new comp!!!! ahahahah~ it's a beautiful 20 inch mac with a red cover. and it's named Aurora. ok la maybe not. sounds very cheesy. dono can't think of a name yet. maybe i'll just forget to name it and it won't have a name after all. like most normal ppl's computers.

ok back to cny. first day's over. angbao money is less than last year =( but that's expected la. recession and all. but today reinforced my opinion that ppl are wells of vast potential. i know it sounds really utilitarian and coldly inhuman. but each person is truly such a treasure hoard. i guess that's the underlying philosophy of networking. its a very euphemistic term for a coldly functional view of ppl.

on that note, i just realized today that my cousin (jiejie jacky) has a library of jap drama! <3 say hello to my new entertainment =)

i totally feel like i'm turning into a cynic. ugh. slippery slope lor. temptations of intellectual pride. nope. my belief in the futility of pride will be my shield!! faintZ. flamboyant theatricalities~

oh yes. about the candle in the wind? it's getting blown away. yups. finally. for good i hope.

!!! candy is pregnant!

2009-01-17T15:07:00.006+08:00

CANDY IS PREGNANT!!!! omg~ her tummy and nipples are both growing bigger. omg laughZ cannot imagine candy as a mother. she is... little girl la~

anyway i took off today <3 12 today to 12 tmr. bleh that means immediately after church i gotta go immediately le. can't even go for log. blehh. but i'm just glad for the break la. my soul was simply draining away in camp. dreary. no matter how meaningful i find taking e recruits are, the sianness of army ultimately triumphs~

in any case u all have been asking why i made my blog private. quite a few reasons la. first is that now i have recruits so i dowan random ppl reading my blog. my last batch found my blog damn easily -.- also i wanted to do a stock check on who actually reads my blog. need to know my audience =) and of course, the veil of privacy. to provide me the illusion of security for more... freedom of expression. so now i can focus more on self-expression and not get distracted by theatrics. and lets just leave it at there.

my recruits <3 they're damn goodboy. lolz most of the times they get scolded for sins of omission, rather than sins of comission. so different from the pes C guys. one extreme all the way to the other. and rumor has it that our next batch is PTP standard faintZ lor. ugh. worlds apart. but this group also has its share of problems. one guy in my section... refuses to interact with his sectionmates. refuses not to be a loner. faintZ even after i thrash down every single one of his arguments (and that talk lasted an hour at least), he REFUSED to promise me not to intentionally set himself apart from the rest. waaa *pulls my hair out*. but i guess the reason i can beat down all his arguments is cos i myself have been there done that. can empathize. thats the double edged sword of taking this batch. i can empathize so much with them. i can remember vividly the apprehension of my enlistment, the dread of first bookin and so much more.

ok la better get down to the agenda for this off. was thinking of going to do cny shopping with ben. or maybe go out with someone. jh's bday or smth. and then log organized a disney movie marathon!!! omg i really would have wanted to go. but then i tot a bit more and decided that all i really wanted to do was just to come home and just. be at home. u know? come home. home. the comfort, the security and the solace that this building provides from the layers of memories in every nook and cranny here. to eat aunty anula's food. to hug brilliant and play with candy. just languish.

so i'm all bathed and clean in my fav obs singlet, eager to slip into my bed with my memory pillow <3 (80 dollar one!) and my quilt and dream sweet dreams. but the way i reacted today to certain events disturbed myself so i wanna log it. no point to make. just a record.

i played the piano today while my sis was sleeping. i walked past the room and saw her sleeping. but i just continued playing. didn't think abt it just wanted to play after not having touched it for so long. but when she woke up she said to me in a curt manner, "don't play your piano will die right mel". i would have retorted. i had my dad's backing since he always asks us to play our piano. but i quickly recognize that i was the insensitive one. and it really upset me... that the first thing i did after not being home for so long was to piss her off. so i went to my room and just hid behind my book on my bed. didn't wanna see her.

on the comp, i saw in my ChatZ group that a few ppl were online. xb was one but his status was away. and i wanted to talk! to say hi. to ask how's things. he'd probably find it random and give me his monosyllabic answers (lolz if my assumption is wrong pls feel free to tell me off) but i would still do it anyway. but i didn't. i just opened up the ChatZ group, see his name there, and then minimize it again. i did that a few times. then he went offline. and i still continued doing it to see who else was there for me to chat with. just to have the luxury of options. but they all dwindled.

and then at bmt. i was on form today that's the good thing. but when shang came i said hi, waved my racket and just looked away. ruolin was there too. i talked more to her than him. i think the only thing i said to him was to ask him how long more his course was gonna be. and when i said bye i didn't. couldn't. wouldn't. even look into his eyes. just looked down and muttered a bye. thanks for the game.

buts. but but but. but this but that. srry sleepy. hasta la vista

flood.

2009-01-13T14:44:00.005+08:00

i realize that denial is actually a very formidable defense against emotions. the emotion might still be there but at least it lies behind bolted gates, unable to fester. but once you accept it, it all rushes out to overwhelm u. where there is coincidence, u see providence. where there is correlation, u see cause. post hoc. it's like the way the river surges in torrents once the floodgates are open. that's what acceptance does. open the floodgates. open pandora's box.

i'm confused all over again. i know i'm hoping too much again! but i can't help it. really. candle in the wind that refuses to die off. i want to book out! but nooooo. oc imposes his will~

i know i should be contented with what i have. appreciative. and i am! i really am! i don't wanna express it cos it'll ruin things i feel. maybe not la. i dono situations like these are delicate. like tatterdamelions. so fragile but so beautiful. but believe me. i really am <3 but i can't help myself from wanting moreee!!! u knowwww? haiz. can't stop the moonlighttttt.

i'm on the low end on the circular spectrummmmm. nooooo. this cycle once again.

so happy feel so much more at ease expressing myself with this veil of privacy. it's only me here. and u. but u're me too! ahaha agents. smiths. machines~ welcome to my fairy tale boys. do you trust me? DO YOU TRUST ME. THEN JUMP!

that's aladdin btw. i know my fairytales well. my happy childhood days. halcyon. very banal already this word. and just for the record, i'm in the specs mess! smack in the middle of confinement period. recruits recruits recruits. bittersweet.

2009

2009-01-04T00:27:00.008+08:00

it's 2009!!!! i'm like. 20 this year. omg. no more teen. transform from boyboy mel to manly mel! but =( still short. in any case! still have 11 more mths faintZ. to ord~ and my bday~ so in the meantime, i do believe in fairies! i do! i do! totally~ i wanna watch ponyo! but =( by the time i next bookout it'd have stopped showing i think. i was supposed to go out with posef to watch today. but ugh he pang sehed me. he had lunch with grandma. and tell me at freaking 10am some more. ugh he too has the giftZ~ maybe its just telok kurau laughZ. but actually i feel rather relieved. cos now i have some time to myself. some peace and quiet; time for reflection about the new year.

oh coda! on the 30th. standard wise... lolz a bit questionable. esp ahem~ nvm. but we had fun! the pracs, the pre-concert. post concert! batch supper <3 ok la not really batch. jas, yj (whom i only talked to cos of this event), cy and me all live in the same area! so we went to lau par sat and had lunch with a few others - benny, jeff, shaun, yh, fatfat... it felt really nice. to meet up with everyone again after so long. relive the joys that we felt during our band times in jc.

we had a bbq on 31st. lolz think my dad got a bit high. he was singing in a really dramatic way with zwing's parents. and he danced with me! omg. but ok la he enjoyed himself and that is the thing that matters.

on a random sidenote... candy maybe pregnant!!!! i realize i love my dogs. i really do. the first time i realized how much i did was during the initial confinement last year... lolz i actually missed brilliant. even now i sit alone with them sometimes. esp when i'm damn sian about booking in. i find it very calming just to go to them and play with them. i watch them gambol around in a completely carefree way and sometimes i envy them. just sleep whenever they want to. trot around in their utter innocence. people hugging them all the time <3 haiz. we and our troubles...

but really... we're young. with the full connotations of the immaturity of youth intended.

candle in the wind

2008-12-30T01:42:00.006+08:00

lolz i'm vaguely puzzled why i even bother to try. this hope is like a candle in the wind... ever flickering, ever unsteady, ever small and pathetic but refusing to just extinguish and die off. there are times when there's a lull and i'm so deceived into thinking how steady and bright a candle flame can be, but all it takes is a breeze for me to realize again just how weak it really is. it simply seemed bright amidst darkness.

2 months. lolz xb mentioned some stuff abt 2 months and it got me thinking. an irrational emotional response but a response nevertheless. how long are 2 months really? enough for acquantances to become friends, then to turn into lovers. enough for a flower to bloom and then fade and rot, as if it was never there before. enough for a furnace of hope to wither to a stuttering candle in the wind. and definitely enough to forget; for a person's presence to diminish till it is nothing more than a silhouette - a nameless shadow that vanishes with the coming of each morning.

oh well the angst is long gone. but it was a nice inspired para i tot. a product of a short period of emotional turmoil. wanted to capture it. and showcase it to the world? but the little details are all so personal. i'll be the only one able to appreciate it fully... so it's all narcissism. lolz i use my blog as a public mirror of my internal thoughts. except that i'm a biased judge. how can i not be? it's me. then again, it's me. laughZ

noelllll~

2008-12-25T18:54:00.005+08:00

christmas <3 lolz i think for a lot of ppl, this year's xmas was nothing really special. but for me laughZ. i went xmas shopping! things crossed out of my wishlist: black jeans, white jacket, belt, neck accessory, black shirt. plus all the other meals and movies that i have no qualms abt spending on at all~ managed to catch up with many many ppl this weekend =) including like... dom. haven't seen him this entire year i think. except jh and posef la. they are. busy ppl. totally~

but =( my black jeans was still wet. so i spent like 45 min stressing over what to wear for xmas mass laughZ. can't stand it become damnnnn metro. theatricality~ but anyway this year's xmas was nice la. was e spirit any different from other years? for one, i went for penitential service~ after like. years. bleh. i'm soo not a model catholic. i don't know my apologetics, i don't subscribe to organizational beliefs and etc etc. oh well a step at a time.

it's kindof the time to wrap up the year, and sum up my blog/diary entries... but ugh it's the comp problem. can't do anything without it so helpless.

ooh i really like this quote. from my bro's blog - "And we know what force does. Every action has an equal an opposite reaction." nicee.

ee i just re-read my sec 3/4 diaries to check up stuff. vvv embarrassing... but no. cannot be ashamed of myself. actually can la. but cannot. u knowww. but seriously... superanalyses is the root. of negative one~ irrationality. laughZ. such a paradox. pandora's box. wdv.

a nice saturday

2008-12-21T01:15:00.007+08:00

it started out with a xmas outreach at toa payoh. to a group of oldies at a void deck. lolz caroling (very... hm...avant-garde~), bingo, karaoke (for them... which means tian mimi and yueliangdaibiaowodexin faintZ), lunch and gifts! i was rather tired out by the whole thing. had language barrier. and basically i felt quite screwed up. but i guess giving its not abt yourself at all. it's abt the other party. many of us find gratification in serving others... and that's good and all. what could be nicer than getting pleasure from others' pleasure? but sometimes even tho when u feel like shit, when u feel u don't have anything to contribute, when u cannot find any meaning and gratification from an act of consideration, u still have to do it. because it's not abt u. it's abt them. that's giving.

then had band prac. i realize that band concerts is not just abt that day. not just abt the concert itself. it's the little laughs we have during band prac. lolz the times we piss qh/the other conductor off when we start doing nonsense and miss our parts. the times when our rehearsals suddenly sound so perfect... because these beautiful things are so transient. perfection doesn't come abt by design. and it's in the journey that we must appreciate the flowers along the roadside.

and bmt! lolz such a twist. i rushed home from j8 after a swift dinner with hx, venetia, yh and mervin. took cab~ then shang's mum came to pick me up. around braddell, lolz shang called me (prob cos his mum nv pick up) to ask if HIS mum can go to j8 to pick him up. laughZ. anyway, zh and peck was there. even tho hm the 4 of us didn't get a chance to play together. but we did go out for supper after that. at makansutra as usual.

going out with zh is always so thought-provoking and intriguing. even inspiring. because beneath his bullshit and corny jokes lies a core of pure unadulterated depth and insight, unleashed in pithy bursts of humor and charisma. what a lethal combination.

and it ended off with a nice chat with shang in the mrt ride home. so much meaning in a normal saturday. but it's really up to us... to put on rosy-tinted or darkened glasses... "To see a world in a grain of sand And a heaven in a wild flower"

batman marathonZ

2008-12-19T23:05:00.005+08:00

i had a batman movie marathon in camp today~ lolz so... truant~ anyway, 2 quotes stuck in my mind.

"madness is like gravity. all you need is a push"

i think it's more like... insanity is like gravity. all you need to do is... let go =) to let go of foolish ideals, to let go of illusions of control, to let go of our fears. we delude ourselves in thinking that we do the right things because of some pure innate goodness in the human heart but the sad simple truth is that we are simply too lazy and secure in our unquestioning beliefs about our morals and conscience. we are too cowardly to question the order of our society.

mm got caught up in spinning a monologue from this spark of inspiration. of course i don't really believe this... but if i can come up with that... good actors are good because they can feel the role. they can empathize with it. they can put on that mask because that mask resides within themselves. they simply have to reach inside and pull it out over their faces. to bring forth what has been hidden into the light.

but of course... "it's not what you are underneath, but what you do that defines you." so. what's the point?

"old men like me don't make points"
"is that why there are no young men on the council?"
"good point"

?~

mindgameZ

2008-12-17T10:10:00.005+08:00

went cycling with xb at ecp last night. laughZ so ironic. the way things were and the way things have become. it seems like the pendulum has swung for both of us - one questioning, one withholding. and so we come one full circle to stand at opposite ends once again. how dramatic.

we talked abt quite a lot of stuff. really nice. don't wanna judge the quality of outings... some things shudn't be judged.

social networks. along the way, i remember telling myself not to be closed to opportunities. but somehow ugh the gate of my social circle just barred their way up on their own. just like history repeating itself. and i realized it, but i forgot the commitment i laid down for myself. the same old qn pops out: is it better to have a small group of close friends, or a large network of ppl you keep in contact with. cos both takes effort. in the former, u look for depth. in the latter, u look for breadth.

sometimes its very disillusioning, esp when 2 people from different sides meet. the deep guy wants to improve the quality of the relationship but the broad guy feels its overbearing. or the broad guy wants to remain in contact but the deep guy can't be bothered to reply to someone whom is not in his inner circle. or am i like just. overgeneralizing issues that i have with myself. assuming that ppl face the problems i do. taking false consolation in the assumption that i'm not the strange and weird one to experience bursts of neuroticism like aforementioned.

i read in the social psych txtbk that men are collectivistic while women are more relational. are those the correct terms? lolz can't remember but the ideas are that men are more group-based where women are more one-one based. of course, i deny and defy that stereotype. but haiz it's so tiring to be different. it has its rewards sure, but it's a double-edged sword that cuts deeply in both directions.

weekend!

2008-12-14T19:21:00.002+08:00

i swear aunty anula is out to make me fat. wa her dinner today: beef stew, lotus soup, chye sim, lemon barley, watermelon. everything is like. damn nice!!! <3 she specially cook all the food i like cos this is the only meal i ate at home this weekend.

watched igor with ben today. omgggg roxorZ~ ya knowwww. damnnnn retarded and deluded. but vvv nice. damn happy <3 but hm actually. think very lucky i happened to watch with ben. cos no one else i know would appreciate i think. it reminds me of powerpuff girls tho... one of e episodes. in which they created some big lulu also. in an attempt to create another powerpuff girl. hmm. completely off-tangent.

i went for the ocs commissioning parade ytd. by a stroke of REALLY good fortune, it turned out that we only have 1 platoon of ptp. e rest of us is taking enhanced. so last night they confirmed we can book out on weekends. and i suddenly realized i can make it for the parade! so i called everyone. but to no avail ugh. then suddenly~ tim swee calls me back at like. 11+? luckily i was awake, and gaspZ suddenly ticket drops from the sky =) this is what i call - Divine Intervention. All clerics automatically go up by 1 level, regardless of how this card was drawn. Totally~ so yep made arrangements and went with shang's parents.

it's really nice to watch ppl pass out. it's proven u know. happiness is contagious. i start to wonder again if pride is really a waste of time... but then i think to myself... with the hindsight, would i go through what i went through again just for this rank? lolz and without doubt or hesitation, definitely not. and that reaffirms my belief, or should i say disbelief, in pride being a virtue.

bahhhhh vv irritating don't have a comp. my personal records are all stagnating. cannot update anything. my ipod songs are just. decomposing. de-composing. so nice. but ok la cos of that i think i've been spending more time with ppl in general. but it made me realize that still have so many ppl that i want to go out with. bookout time is too little =( it always is.

Moondance~

2008-12-13T23:48:00.007+08:00

ahh haven't had a formal post in such a long time... oh well here's one for e record~ lolz sound so arbitrary but hm this prose dono since when start de. according to e file, it was created on jul 14... so that's like 4 mths already? oh well inspiration has her own idiosyncracies... no puppet strings to control her. at least no tangible ones. oh well here goes~

I always wonder why people don't appreciate the moon enough... I guess the full moon's fine. When it's big and round people look up and say "wow". But even half-moons can be perfect... and crescents. A shape that even exists only because of the moon. The way it holds the promise of a full circle in its incompleteness is simply... intriguing.

In the depths of the forest night, a crescent moon hangs high in a starlit sky - an incandescent sliver that casts a pale shadowless glow on the grassy clearing. A solitary silhouette fades into existence, emerging like an eclipse at the edge of the clearing. With feline grace, the phantom figure glides to the center. A soft breeze rustles the leaves in the trees and the grass bow down at her passing, as if all of nature itself was paying homage to her.

In a sudden single pirouette, she had drawn a curved scimitar in each hand and her hood was uncovered, revealing a face of cold pristine beauty. Her streams of hair ripple in motion, lacing her gleaming armor with streaks of midnight. The twin blades she wields are forged of the purest mithril, forged into shape by dwarven hammers of Khaz, inscribed with runes of power and blessed by Elune herself.

Then, she begins to dance.

Weaving through still air, the blades glow lambently as she whirls in a series of fluid motions, a portrait of iridescence amidst the monotony of darkness. Her cloak, soft as velvet and black as ebony, flows around her like liquid night, shrouding the deadly glimmers of her blades in shadow. With the agility borne of elves, she dances through an intricate choreography of swordplay in a cathartic display of dexterity.

Softly, a silvery hum emerges from the night silence, crescendoing to two clear tones in perfect harmony as the blades resonate within the accelerating dance steps. Her light footsteps on the glistening carpet of grass create a thumping rhythm to support the harmony of her blades, in synchrony to the faint swishing of cloak against her lithe grace.

Uniting the dance and the song, she composes a deadly musical beneath the light of the moon - a moondance.

incidentally, there was a really nice moon last night.

blossom. buttercup & bubbles~

2008-12-07T16:11:00.005+08:00

one batch has come and gone. pes c9 standard batch. and my room comp has died so like my personal records are just ugh. stagnating. vv frustrating. and suddenly feel so disconnected with the cybersocial world.

but yea anyway abt stuff so far... it's nice to see the ppl around u blossom. to start developing the ideals and virtues that u yourself uphold. it gives u smth to hold on to. an anchor of affirmation that u're not so lonely anymore in your moral quest. that the values u pursue aren't too impractical. that the world u resist against isn't so unyielding. lolz then again, the word 'blossom' becomes a very subjective adjective doesn't it?

bahh i don't have flow. floundering for words. hateZ. stutter forever. ugh why do i keep having these kinds of language block. so demeaning of a lawyer wannabe.

aiya forget it. move on. i've been reading neil gaiman. lolz powerful fantasy. wats that genre... magical realism? can't remember what they call it. but it is superior~ e effect he weaves is so... seriously. just magical. it's different from the captivating and enthralling quality of other fantasy series. i can't sink into its depths and just phase myself to his universes the way i can with other authors. but his works have a far longer lasting effect of wonder and appreciation of the magic that he weaves. considering collecting his entire sandman series. the 2 graphic novels that i have from him (neverwhere and stardust) are beautiful. prized collectionZ.

i compiled and softcopied the appraisals written by my recruits. i hope to do this for all the batches... then i can keep track of the changes in my commanding style and the opinions towards it. but then again appraisals aren't wholistic critiques. the criteria for judgment of a recruit is vastly different from the criteria for judgment of a fellow commander. still, there are those that give a lot of insight. but more importantly, there are those that rejuvenate and renew the vigor and vitality of command.

we are puppet masters of sorts. we use strings of fear, logic, respect and emotions. but i think we often forget that the puppets we control are very much human. the stick and the carrot methods. as if they are rabbits. i feel more frustration towards the commanders than the recruits most of the times. so tiring... to always having to go against the system. visionaries. martyred for being ahead of their time. laughZ. so glorified. sometimes i wonder if these things i do are just for the sake of being different. for being distinct. i guess it does contribute to my source of motivation, but as long i am aware of it and not let it become the sole/underlying factor, then it's ok i guess.

but haiz now once again, i'm poised at the edge of the pedastal. gotta make a decision. a conscious choice. before the next batch comes in. in being the mr nice guy, i show them that we do not have to submit to the system. just as my bmt pc did before me, i can prove to them that conformity is not the only option. but what abt their development of mental fortitude? to deal with their own emotional upheavals, regimental discomforts and mental stress. do we really need pain for there to be gain?

because we are in the business of developing people. we have direct control over the directions of these people's lives. the seeds of change are for us to plant...

emo =(

2008-11-29T11:35:00.004+08:00

i feel very emo. i miss my childhood. i hate responsibility for things i did not volunteer for. i detest the storming in learning a skill which i'm not passionate about. omg i wanna be a carefree albatross. i want to be caught up in the throes of passion. the solace of love. i wanna cuddle up in the strong arms of a guardian, and breathe in his scent of tranquility and feel the relief wash over me.

and -.- i typed this on my bday, when i was stuck in live range in the dead of the night cos our oc was being simply anal abt reshooting.

haiz growing up. Ponderous but purposeful, maturity advances on inexorably to lobotomize halcyon youth, like the way a barren desert claims the verdant forests.

mahjong <3

2008-10-23T00:23:00.002+08:00

AHAHA win 20 dollars~ from my mum and sis. 3 player mahjong is so simplistic haiz think it perverts my technique. oh wellZ.